A Strathpine hospitality worker has today been left with the gruelling task of informing Peter Dutton that his cafe is unable to meet the local member’s unique dietary requirements.

With the controversial Minister For Home Affairs tipped to lose his marginal Queensland seat to Labor in the upcoming election, local businesses have been burdened with unannounced visits from the villainous former Highway cop.

Dutton’s concerted effort to be seen campaigning in his home electorate have become a lot more obvious after he was criticised for ridiculing his rival candidate Ali France’s prosthetic leg as merely ‘an excuse’ for not owning a home in the ever expensive North Brisbane suburbs.

With the bookies placing Dutton at $3.00 to bring home an election win, compared to Labor’s shrinking $1.30 – the Member For Dickson has taken a break from his $2.3 million holiday home on the Gold Coast’s “Millionaire’s Row” – and is out and about speaking to the voters he apparently represents.

Mr Dutton’s gimp-like Young Liberal media advisor sent chills down the spines of cafe staff when he ordered coffee for the entourage.

“Just a double shot machiatto for me, a mocha for the security guard, and a schooner of refugee blood for the big man” said the advisor, Hugo Emjaybale-Trousers.

Cafe worker, Bronson (22), says after delivering the order to his boss, who was hiding out in the kitchen so as to avoid a photograph, he was sent back out to inform the MP that unfortunately the venue doesn’t stock any form of bottled human blood harvested from the over-exposed bodies of exhausted women and children in offshore detention.

“Umm. I’m sorry sir” said Bronson.

“I don’t know how to say this, but, ummm, we aren’t really in the business of profiting off the blood of stateless brown people fleeing war.

The barista winced as Mr Emjaybale-Trousers signalled for the security guard to unholster his weapon and teach the unskilled plebeian a lesson.

Dutton, however, appeared to be indifferent to the news. Which came as a relief to all, especially the local police who have done their best to avoid Peter Dutton ever since he drove those Murri kids out to Pinkenba and confiscated their shoes before telling them to walk tens of kilometres home barefoot.

“It’s fine mate” said Dutton.

“The tears of grieving mothers whose children have been deported for petty felonies in Melbourne will do”

“Skim preferably”


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