ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The whole country is closer to being one today as South Australia welcome back normal Australians who don’t have a weird and confusing accent and a bizarre penchant for heinous crimes.

Speaking to the nation today from Adelaide, the State’s Premier, Steven, said he was looking forward to a Christmas as close to normal as possible.

However, he stressed that South Australia’s borders are only open to those who are double-vaccinated and if you’re one of those unvaccinated people who smears poo on the wall and drinks their own urine, then you won’t be spending Christmas time in the Free State.

”It’s going to a great,” said Steven.

”Welcoming back people from all over the country, even people from Victoria will be allowed to come. I don’t mind regional Victorians. They are OK. Except for the ones that go hiking in the Grampians and carry on like they’re in Handorf in the 30s!”

”Yeah anyway, this might be taking a shit on Mark McGowan’s doormat so he might close the door on us but we need to open the economy again. Anyway, welcome!”

But not everyone in South Australia is thrilled to be welcoming back the filthy masses from afar.

Clarence and Margaret Caire, of whatever fresh hell the ‘Riverland’ is, told The Advocate that they’re keen to see family and friends they haven’t been able to see since June.

“We feel that business, including ours, has suffered enough misery and tyranny from governments over the past two years,” they said in unison.

“Things haven’t been this quiet around here since Ian Chappell called Don Bradman the ‘Cootamundra Cuck’ on breakfast television. It was a dreadful time,”

“The future, however, looks bright.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here