CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The most unreported breaking news story in Australia, easily explained by Hollywood actress Margot Robbie in a bubble bath:
Margot Robbie: [In a bubble bath with a glass of champagne] “Alright, listen up fuck sticks. While the country was in a right state during the global financial crisis, Peter Dutton was busy playing the share market like a Queensland copper at Eagle Farm punting on Fine Cotton”
“The John Dorey is on January 23, 2009, when Commonwealth Bank, NAB, and Westpac were rock-bottom. record low prices… Dutton suddenly declares he’s bought up shares in all three. Just a day before Labor announced a massive bailout, no less. [Pours more champagne into her glass]
“Now, here’s the kicker. Between October 2008 and March 2009, our mate updated his register of interests 13 FUCKING times. And he hadn’t even traded a single share in the three years before that. So, what’s up with that? Questions have arisen over the fact that some of these buy-ups happened just before the government’s bailout and stimulus moves kicked in, pushing share prices through the roof.”
“And on February 3, right when the Rudd Government dropped a $120 billion stimulus bomb, Dutton offloaded his Commonwealth shares. Talk about perfect timing!”
“The current government is now banging on about whether he had any insider scoop. You know, sensitive information you’d get from being a high-ranking politician, they say, before making these moves. They want him to spill every detail now… the exact dates, times, even whether he was clued into the government’s plans through his Coalition front-bench role.
“Meanwhile, Dutton’s calling it all muckraking, slamming Labor’s “dirt unit” for snooping through his financial records to stir up trouble.”
“One person that might know whether or not Dutton had prior knowledge to this major bail out, was the leader of Dutton’s party at the time, former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, one of Dutton’s many sworn enemies”
“Will Turnbull take the opportunity to pour petrol on this fire? It would be a fine act of cold-blooded revenge against the man that destroyed his term as Prime Minister by calling two Liberal leadership spills, both of which Dutton lost, and in turn delivered Australia the most incompetent PM we’ve ever had in the shape of Scotty From Marketing, the bloke who fled Australia to holiday in Hawaii during the 2019 Black Summer bushfires, and oversaw the most disastrous and costly pandemic recovery in the developed world”
“It’s ironic isn’t it, because what we all remember from the pandemic is the bipartisan cooperation between both the government and the Opposition. Are we expected to believe this wasn’t the case during the GFC? That the 39-year-old Shadow Health Minister Peter Dutton, an MP whose own mortgage belt electorate in North Brisbane was being ravaged by defaulting mortgages, had no idea that the government was 12 hours away from injecting $120 billion into the coffers of our major banks?”
“While the nation was wounded from economic chaos and the government was working overtime to keep Aussies in jobs, here’s Dutton, busy on the share market, turning a crisis into an opportunity. Insider trading, or just a dodgy dash for dollars? Well, that’s the question Labor’s desperate to get answered as the Prime Minister gears up to call an election.”
“Got it? Good… [Takes a long, indulgent sip of champagne] Now, fuck off.”
