CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Researchers from one of Australia’s most esteemed sandstone universities have today discovered a never-before-seen species of Queenslander.
The Society for Combat Research and Pub Brawls (SCRAP), which is based out of the University of South West Queensland’s Winton campus, have today confirmed the existence of a red-blooded mammal that drinks rum and coke in Fortitude Valley but is also equipped with de-escalation skills and the ability to just leave it.
Known only by a newly bestowed scientific name, the Justwalkawaymateis an extremely rare type of Queenslander with the ability to avoid a blue.
However, its natural aggression and pride would suggest it still belongs to the the biological subfamily of Valleyrats. Despite it’s ability to choose the physiological ‘flight’ reaction over the far more common ‘fight’.
This includes 10 generations of medium to large-sized Queensland men found in the Brisbane Fortitude valley nightlife strip, including the Yourightmate, Stoplookingatmymisso, Whatdidthatblokesaytoyou, Iheardyougottaproblemwithmybrother, the rummakesmemad, the Cowardpunch, and the Goonthencunt and Idontgiveafuckwhoyourdadis.
It is believed scientists accidentally uncovered this species of Queenslander while observing a cab rank in that dodgy hip hop strip of Brisbane’s red-light-district.
As has been recorded by scientists for years, the cab rank carries the highest probability for alcohol-fuelled violence, particularly when the animals are confused over which taxi was meant for who.
It is for this reason that this new discovery has been hailed as one of the most remarkable advances in modern Queensland anthropology.
Even after having his large Big Mac meal knocked from his hands, the Justwalkawaymate appeared capable of continuing his journey home without flogging some cunt.
This rare behaviour points to either the highly unlikely evolution of the Queensland male, or the rediscovery of rare species that may have been filtered out of the ecosystem back when the pingers stopped being good in the mid-2000s.