A recent report by ICAC (Italian Catholics Against Confrontation) has found that it’s probably in everyone’s best interests that Nonna is kept occupied for the next couple of days and doesn’t get the chance to see what is happening in the world.

This comes after reports of a spike of police welfare-checks right around the country in Sydney’s Leichardt, Melbourne’s Carlton and other Italian-Australian hotspots.

Police say they fielded thousands of calls reporting of heartbroken wailing coming from the living rooms of heavily concreted workers cottages and marble mcMansions around the country.

This alarming trend of distraught Nonnas follows the lifting of a nationwide suppression order has allowed media to report that Cardinal Pell has been found guilty of sexually abusing two choirboys when he was archbishop of Melbourne.

Pell was the third-highest-ranking Catholic in the world at the time of his prosecution and the most powerful religious figure in Australia. He is yet to be ex-communicated from the Church, but even the most stubborn cattle ticks are finding it hard to dismiss the heartbreaking testimonies from his victims.

While there is no real concern that Nonna will join Andrew Bolt and the couple other child abuse apologists in the Australian media that think that Pell has been wrongly convicted, there is a real concern that her heartbreak will probably last the rest of the year.

“If you don’t want your Nonna to wear black every day until Christmas, keep her the hell away from the TV” said ICAC spokesperson, Alphonse Colosimo.

“Tell her you haven’t eaten in a couple days and are feeling unwell because you are so hungry. That will keep her busy”

“She can find out about this Pell stuff in a much more gentle way. You can allude to it over Easter or something”

“Or simply don’t talk about it ever again with her”

“She doesn’t need this. She’s one of the few people in the world who has actually spent her whole life being a good Catholic”


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