A recent report by the Australian Bureau Of Statistics has found that since colonial settlement, our nation has not taken in one English deportee or migrant who sounds like the pommys we see in the movies.

With most of Bondi Junction and Byron Bay sounding that the Burgess brothers, and most of the old ten pound poms sounding like characters from EastEnders, Australians are wondering where all the Emma Watson or Hugh Grant sounding British people are.

Since the 1970s, the rise of Yorkshire rugby league exports have given Australians a warped perception of the British accent, similar to the how we never meet any Americans who sound like Bill Clinton or George Bush unless we are watching the Country Music Channel.

In fact, according the ABS surveys, the closest thing to an Emma Watson or Hugh Grant-sounding accent that Australians have encountered in recent memory is Dicko from Australian Idol.

“Dicko is the poshest sounding Pom we’ve ever naturalised” said Professor Lote Meninga from the ABS.

“Aside from him, the closest thing we have to a Hermione or Elizabeth Bennet accent is the Old Money Adelaide accent…”

“And those people are just pretending to say France like Fruhnce”


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