As his whispy beard grows bigger, the Attorney General Christian Porter is finding more and more ways to enjoy himself while confined to his Perth mansion on paid leave.

Yesterday, he fed 24 panadols to an innocent Rainbow Lorikeet until it exploded.

Today, he is busily clogging up emergency services by reporting fake domestic violence emergencies.

This comes as the Prime Minister draws a line in the sand and declares that he is no longer envisioning sexual assault victims as his own daughters, especially if they have levelled allegations against his close political allies

Morrison says he intends on keeping Porter in into a different role following historical rape allegations against the Cabinet minister.

Mr Porter was accused of raping a former debating teammate in 1988 in an anonymous letter sent to the prime minister’s offices and several federal MPs.

Mr Morrison has stood firm on his stance today that Mr Porter was an “Innocent man”.

“No, I wouldn’t consider moving him to somewhere else” Morrison told the mostly female media scrum.

“He’s just taking a little time off to prepare his alib– eerrr… I mean prepare his mental health plan”

“And no doubt he is taking steps to look after himself. Healthy body, healthy mind, amiright girls?”

Back in WA, the embattled MP is doing just that. Friends of Porter say that he hasn’t been in such good spirits since he heard news of of boat full of Asylum seekers capsizing off the Gulf Carpentaria last year.

Just this morning Paid Leave Porter has had to demand that his housemaid put on an extra load of laundry after pissing himself from laughter while prank calling triple zero upwards of 200 times.

Paid Leave Porter was unable to control his laughter as he listened to the panicked voices switchboard operators during his relentless tormenting of the emergency hotline.

The Attorney General felt the warm trickle of urine snaking its way down his crotch, as he lost complete control of his bodily functions while putting on a girly voice and pretending to be a battered wife.

“Help me… Help me” he snickered.

“I’m being bashed by my big scary husband”

“Please help I need a white ribbon!”

“BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH” he laughed, as his bladder gave way and drenched his trousers.

“Oh my god, you should have heard that stupid woman!!!” he laughed.

“So good!!!”

“Now I know why these pathetic dole bludgers don’t want to get jobs. Paid Leave is so fun!!!!”



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