With a vast majority of Australians returning from their Christmas break and back into to work over the next week, the purgatory of early January appears to be wrapping up.

It is at this point of the calendar where the nation must seriously consider the legitimacy of their New Year’s resolutions.

Are they really going to switch on and hit the gym? Or are they going to juice as much leisure out of their remaining time off work as they can.

Is Dry January really possible with the sun finally coming out after three back-to-back La Ninas?

Do you deserve to engage in just a little more reckless hedonism, bearing in mind that all of those horrible lockdowns were only 18 months ago… And you had plenty of time to take it easy back then.

Either way, it’s probably worth making the effort to meet up with friends, in a low key setting, before work starts up again. Just to see how everyone’s holidays were.

Today, right around the country – group chats are lighting with innocent offers to ‘catch up before work starts’ – with dormant pubs and balconies slowly filling with human bodies after a quiet off-season.

However, The Betoota Advocate can exclusively reveal the truth behind this harmless proposal.

According to leading linguistic professionals, ‘Oi let’s catch up before work starts’ in nothing but a family-friendly front for the real intentions of Australians who have a few more days off work and nothing to do.

Experts say the true agenda, within both group chats and pubs, is to suck as much piss as possible – as soon as possible.

With the dregs of the summer of cricket still on the TV, and radio stations playing hottest hits compilations – early January has proven to be the best time of the year to jump into a sporadic day-long piss-up.

So what’s your plan? Book in an afternoon Functional HIIT class? Or make sure you catch up with friends before work starts – in a shitty local pub… with no kitchen… and a massive TAB – for 12 hours?


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