As the Australian Catholic Church heavyweights, Murdoch media goons and the least PR-savy members of the Liberal Party begin preparations to send off the disgraced Cardinal Pell at St Mary’s Cathedral on Thursday morning – it seems the afterlife is also quite busy this week.

Australia’s highest-ranking Catholic died age 81 from heart complications during hip surgery in Rome last month, he’s spent the 4 weeks since then pinballing around an array of divine dimensions

After a very quick visit to the Pearly Gates, witnesses say the Saint Peter actually laughed at loud in the disgraced clergyman’s face, before calling over several other bouncers to get a load of Cardinal Pell’s shit-eating face as he told him to go and get fucked.

Pell then spent several weeks floating through both purgatory and limbo before finally free-falling into the depths of hell, where he belongs.

Hell, also known ‘the pits’ or ‘eternal damnation’, is a rather unpleasant state of existence in which evil souls are subjected to punitive suffering in the afterlife, most often through torture and violence, as endless punishment after death.

As a notorious abusive priest, who took advantage of vulnerable children under his duty of care for the best part of the century, there will likely be no other Australians to die this year who deserve to spend eternity in hell.

While the Victorian Police charges of pedophilia were proven but subsequently overturned on appeal, even the most devout Catholics have had enough exposure to men of Cardinal Pell’s cloth to know that the cases that did finally make it to trail would be a drop in the ocean of child molestation that this man has both engaged in and overseen throughout his tenure as a religious figure.

On top of this, Pell carries with him the undisputed reputation and legacy as one of the worst enablers of Catholic pedophile priests over a period of decades. As a man who personally signed off on the relocation of rock spider priests to less visible Outback parishes, while simultaneously humiliating the brave abuse survivors who came forward.

However, the protection racket ends here in Hell today, and not even a character reference from Tony Abbott and John Howard can save Cardinal Pell from this cruel destiny he has created for himself – in accordance with his own church’s teaching.

“Oh great” sighed the ghost of Cardinal Pell today, as a demon directed him to the bunk bedded cell that he will call home for all eternity in the firey afterlife today.

His cellmate, Vlad The Impaler, a brutal and sadistic Romanian leader famous for torturing his foes (guess how?). By some estimates he is responsible for the deaths of more than 80,000 people in his lifetime.

Roughly around the same amount of damaged men and women who sit in Australian prisons and lie in Australian cemeteries after a lifetime of struggling through the trauma imposed on them by Cardinal Pell and merry gang of rock spiders.


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