All NRL players will be forced to hand over any smartphone, tablets or gopros that they may own, in a recent policy announced today and backed by all clubs.

While the Queensland NRL clubs appear to be living up to their reputation as polite, community-minded footballing institutions made up of gentlemen, the recent riff-raff from down south has forced the hand of the game’s CEO today.

This follows the news that NSW Police today charged Penrith Panthers third-string star Tyrone May after he allegedly featured in two sex tapes that were leaked last week. The 22-year-old utility has been charged with two counts of recording intimate image without consent, and two counts of disseminating image without consent.

Speaking to the media today at a press conference somewhere in that shit hole harbour city, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg says that as of today, all players must hand over any communication devices made after the 1st of September, 2000.

“This is a hardline approach. There’s no Whatsapp groups in these bad boys” he said, while showing off the iconic Nokia 3310 – which is remembered as one of the most successful phones of its era, with 126 million units sold worldwide.

“We’ve ordered in thousands of them, there aren’t even cameras on these things. Just SMS features and really expensive phone calls”

Greenberg believes that by removing smartphones from the equation, rugby league players will be able to learn how to woo women in the old fashioned way – as opposed to organising porn shoots through Instagram DMs.

“They need to learn the hard way like my generation did” he says.

“Texting chicks on a numbered keypad teaches a man a lot about patience and respect”

“…and when both parties are finally comfortable enough with each other to part-take in a full-on orgy with their team-mates – there’s no way these dumb cunts will be able to film it and share it with the world”


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