23 June, 2016 11:30


With three Western world economies making their way to the polls in 2016, it appears that the future of planet Earth is resting on the opinions of a trans-national community of people who would much prefer to watch reality television than the news.

While Great Britain decided earlier this year that they would like to leave the European Union, America is currently coming to terms with the news surrounding which affluent old white person has been elected to run their country for the next four years, in an equally non-compulsary national vote.

Australia also hosted a critical election, one that will decide the future of their country’s health system and whether or not the Southern Hemisphere’s sea life will be able to survive long enough for Bindi Irwin to document it.

While the Australian election is considered compulsory, there are still millions of comfortable suburban white people who simply do not care. 1 out of 2 Australians aged between 18-22 are not enrolled to vote, and a large portion of Australia’s booming aspirational class would not be able to name both party leaders heading into the polls on July 2nd.

Speaking to the Betoota Advocate today, local Australian jet-ski owner Bryce Woreland (35) says he couldn’t give two fucks about who runs this country.

“Mate its all the bloody same. I’m gonna take the kids mountain bike riding on election day. No one is saying anything that matters to us,” says the 33-year-old plumber who probably hasn’t read more than two full pages of a newspaper since last year’s NRL grand final.

“I haven’t really been paying too much attention to be honest. The ABC is fucking boring.”

On the other side of the world, British pub-owner Bridget Bowler (50) says very few of her patrons even know what “Brexit” stands for.

“Most of them think it has something to do with the Queen. It’s only the old codgers who ended up voting,”

“None of the kids could give a shit, unless they have been politicised by racist father figures,”

In America, we spoke to Kansas-based car-wash operator, Toby Anderson (40) who says he voted for Donald Trump for President because it was funny.

“He’s offering something new. It’s a bit more entertaining anyway,”

“I don’t really care to be honest. If it’s raining, I don’t vote.”




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