As of yesterday evening, Australia has reported two new coronavirus cases, bringing the total number of cases in Australia to 25.

This exciting news could not come sooner for the Australian government, who have been looking for a scapegoat for the fact that the economy is fucked, and has been getting gradually more fucked for over a decade.

While the media has been quick to point out that an eight-week-old infectious disease pandemic could easily rattle Australia’s hopes of a budget surplus, it probably isn’t as bad as the fact that about thirty percent of the nation’s tourism destinations spent the entire 2019 summer months on fire.

Countless studies show that certain decisions that have been made in the dead of the night in Canberra may have prevented the 12-year-long march we have made towards another recession.

While reports show that things might be a bit different had Prime Minister Abbott not given NewsLimited a $882m tax rebate in the first six months of his election, the same could be said for the $980m in tax rebates given to the mining companies each year. But these findings are, for the large part, just the opinions of those not receiving those rebates.

While these so-called ‘actual economists’ can point fingers at what could have been done to fool-proof the economy against unexpected global emergencies that can only be resolved through listening to scientists, the Treasurer is fairly confident he has found the cause of Australia’s imminent recession.

Josh Frydenberg MP has today gleefully scribbled CORONAVIRUS across almost twelve years worth of studies that show splashing tax-payer dollars on election-winning sugar-hits might not be that good for the economy.

While Kevin Rudd bribed the electorate with $900 stimulus packages and free ceiling wool, it seems the most recent incarnation of the Liberals that followed him may have taken it one step further with close to a billion dollars worth of infrastructure and sporting grants to seemingly ineligible community groups in marginal electorates.

Frydenberg says our new fleet of attack submarines, which is now estimated to cost about $225 billion to build and maintain overseas, doesn’t even hold a torch to the economic woes created by this new virus.

“The coronavirus is very bad for our economy, but also, the Prime Minister has told me to tell you that there is no way you can die from it, unless you are an old person, because we are on top of it, and it will never be an issue here, so give him a break. But also give me a break, because while it’s not an issue, it also costs heaps, and is to blame for everything.”

“A lot of people don’t realise this, but the virus is also to blame for the bushfires” he said, just tacking another emergency on the back for the fuck of it.


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