As of 6pm last night, Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews and Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton have introduced a stricter set of rules designed to limit coronavirus infections, which have been rising catastrophically over the past month.

The stage four restrictions will apply to 31 metropolitan local government areas.

The rules around the reasons people can leave their homes are being tightened.

Shopping for food and necessary supplies will only be allowed within 5 kilometres of home, or at the nearest available supermarket, and it will be limited to one person per household, once per day.

This comes after it was revealed that one in four COVID-19 positive Victorians were not at home when police made a visit to inspect on their self-isolation efforts.

This nonchalant attitude has been prevalent in Victoria from the start of the pandemic, particularly in Melbourne’s more affluent enclaves, home to those who first brought the virus into the country from Aspen, Milan and the Ruby Princess.

While Premier Andrew faces severe criticism for hiring disciplined hotel quarantine security guards who couldn’t help but make tender love to the infected arrivals, the community transmissions that have spread since the initial hotel outbreak have been largely out of his control.

It’s for this reason that Daniel Andrews has spent the last hour on a zoom call with the only State Premier to ever place a successful 8PM curfew on a major international city before him.

Former NSW Premier Mike Baird.

Mike Baird has reportedly told Andrews that while there is no need for him to have to warp statistics to make Victorians fear for their own safety, it is worth getting the local papers to run 100 front pages sensationalising how dangerous the city can be after dark.

However, considering the fact that the Victorian state opposition have already attempted to run the ‘random violent attacks’ narrative with African teenagers every state election, Baird has suggested just making new laws that shut down any form of a night economy and telling the business owners to suck a dick.

“It works. Trust me” says Baird

“Great for the housing market too if you know what I’m saying, wink wink. Haha”

Dan Andrews, who was madly scribbling down notes for the duration of the call, thanked Baird for his time.

“Cheers for the pointers, Mick” said Andrews.

“I just wish we could keep the Casino open to funnel the city into after dark like you lot did, but unfortunately being in a gaming venue is just as dangerous”

“…Spose that was the case for coward punches as well. But you really can’t hide these numbers”

“Anyway hooroo. Cheers again mate. Say hi to Julia”

“Haha. You know you’re the only Liberal who is Trudeau enough for me to take advice from”



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