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Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has today unveiled a cool new face mask aimed at winning over those losers on the internet who are still convinced that COVID-19 is a sham created by the government to make everyone’s lives difficult and to ruin the economy for no reason.
It’s almost two weeks since masks have become compulsory in Melbourne, and the coronavirus containment measure has now expanded to the whole state.
But reports that some people are claiming exemptions due to illness when stopped by police – with no need to show proof – have angered Mr Andrews.
The Premier was asked about the anti-mask sentiment in the community at a press conference this morning when he became visibly frustrated.
“On masks, is there …” he began, before pausing. “I’ll just take a deep breath.
“Is there anything worse than someone pretending to be unwell in order to get out of wearing a mask? Like, seriously?”
Andrews then checked himself, before continuing on a more measured tirade.
“Look. I’ve dealt with some dumb cunts in my professional career. Like, alot of them”
“Just remember, I’m a product of Victorian Labor. I’m a product of Victoria in general, that should be enough”
“But, fuck me. I never thought that during a public health emergency, I would have to address a conspiracy that wearing face masks in an attempt to avoid catching COVID-19 is dangerous”
Andrews then reached into his satchel, and unveiled his newest defence against the anti-masker movement.
“For all of those fucking losers at home who are calling me Dictator Dan, and creating conspiracies that I only want you to wear masks to control your minds”
“This is for you”
In his hand, he held an almost exact replica of the Bane mask worn by Tom Hardy in The Dark Knight Rises.
“Obviously the same people who are behind these 5G conspiracies and Shamdemic bullshit are the same people who think the Joker and Bane are the good guys”
“So yeah, put one of these Bane masks on, and you can be your own little superhero, in your own little fantasyland, where undermining the government’s health and safety directions is a noble thing to do”
“Nobody cared who you were until you refused to put on the mask”
“Just remember that, at the end of the day, you are all self-entitled fucking losers who wouldn’t be able to make a name for yourself doing anything other than putting our elderly at risk with your braindead Facebook groups”