Local slob, Keegan Lawson (30) has been in self-isolation longer than most people.

As the floor manager of a usually busy steakhouse, Keegs was one of the first wave of workers told to go home as the government began ramping up social distancing measures.

Given the fact that 400g Angus t-bones don’t keep that well in a cooler box attached to the back of a 457 visa-holders bicycle, his employers have decided that it was a better option to put the business into hibernation and pray to God that they survive.

For the two weeks, he was treading water and ignoring phone calls from his landlord. However, Keegs has since found economic relief in the Treasurer’s jobkeeper program.

So, aside from a couples nightmarish experiences at Centrelink and the occasional late night run to the servo for some choccie and smokes, the big fella hasn’t left the house once since early April.

However, as he nears 40 days in isolation, Keegan’s savings account is no longer the number one concern in his day to day life.

The terrifying hurdles of economic security and rampant iso-related weight gain are now completely overshadowed by the mind-numbing burden of boredom.

It’s gotten so bad that this local hedonist has done something he thought he’d never do.

But now, after having completed both Red Dead, COD and Age Of Empires several times – and devouring every half decent programme on Netflix and Stand. He’s done it.

He’s picked up on the eight books he’s been given as presents by his mother over the last eight Christmases, as she works tirelessly to help him expand his mind beyond energy drinks and video games.

“Hmmm” says Keegan, loudly enough for his girlfriend to hear.

“Haven’t seen this one before. The DA-VINCHY CODE”

“Might give it a go”

At time of press, Keegan was backtracking several pages after realising he’d drifted off while reading and had reached a new chapter without actually taking anything in.


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