After ten years of dragging the chain on privacy protections to focus on tweaking religious discrimination laws, the Australian Government is today panicking about the fact that we have literally zero protections from Cyberattacks.

On Monday night, the very amateur cyberattacker released a text file of 10,000 records of Optus customers, promising to leak 10,000 each day for the next four days unless Optus pays them $1m.

Optus boss, Kelly Bayer Rosmarin, says federal police are “all over” the hacker, while also insisting that this attack was VERY sophisticated – hence why they asked for such a BIG amount of money.

The Minister For Home Affairs has since accused the company of leaving the “window open” for the data to be stolen.

However with the AFP, an institution mostly specialising in phone tapping bogan white supremacists and teenage Islamic extremists, on their case – the hacker will not get far!!!

In fact, it appears that our nation’s super cops are getting to the bottom of this sooner than expected, as they update the public on the progress of their investigations.

Despite decades of absolutely zero initiative from our elected officials to implement laws that would force corporations like Optus to protect our privacy from these kinds of attacks, let alone funding crime-fighting bodies who actually understand what online identity fraud looks like, it seems that AFP are hot on the tail of this highly skilled hacker – who is most probably a Macedonian teenager.

After realising that they cannot shoot their government-issued glocks into a computer screen to foil these kinds of attacks, the Federal police have today had to try a very different approach to solving this unconventional online crime – and forced all of their staff to watch as many ‘hacker movies’ as they can get their hands on.

After an entire day of tireless research, the AFP have released a statement.

“After working closely with Optus, we have determined that Telco companies do not only just provide landline services anymore. But also online services, which is why they had all of your details sitting there in the first place. News to us” read the statement.

“From our early investigations, we believe this hacker may have breached Optus customer data while sitting across the table from John Travolta with scary late 1990s henchmen holding a pistol to his head”

“We also believe this cyberattacker may have been receiving a blowjob from a nightclub during the attack, as some sort on incentive? Wait actually maybe it was a test? Or a distraction? We actually don’t understand that particular scene”

“Either way, one thing we are certain of, is that this hacker has frosted tips and an ear ring”

“And another thing we are certain of, is that Halle Berry has incredible norcs”


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