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After a week of pretending they aren’t hearing the very real concerns from their supporters in Western Sydney, The Australian Labor Party have today decided to map out an alternative plan to parachute Kristina Keneally into the Federal Lower House.
As a career politician who only got to enjoy her time as NSW Premier for half a term, Keneally has been marching towards Canberra for many years now – with the full support of the ALP powerbrokers.
Unfortunately like many of the overeducated millionaires within the Labor Party, her biggest hurdle is finding a safe enough electorate full of people that would feel ‘represented’ by an American millionaire who spends most of her time in Sydney’s Liberal voting Northern Beaches.
Earlier this week, Labor tried to pull a sneaky one by giving her the nod for the South-West Sydney electorate of Fowler, a multicultural enclave of people who vote for Labor to survive, not because they enjoy talking about it at dinner parties.
However, the elitist carpet-bagging has not gone to plan, with Labor now facing an unexpected revolt from the low-socio-economic immigrants that were supposed to just shut up and take what they were given.
Keneally’s plans to oust the Fowler Electorate’s current Vietnamese-Australian candidate from pre-selection – has been met with backlash from the grassroots campaigners behind the push to have a Labor Party that runs candidates that look and talk like the people they want to vote for them – a bizarre political strategy which is known as ‘representation’.
So today Labor are exploring their other options – namely the soon to be vacant seat of The Hunter.
The coal heartland’s 2nd generation Federal Labor MP, Joel Fitzgibbon, has this week announced he will not contest the next election. This has opened up the very rare opportunity for Keneally to be dropped into a seat where mostly white people will be voting for her.
“We think Kristina looks pretty bloody good in a Newcastle Knights jersey” said Labor Leader Anthony Albanese.
“We’ve kitted her out with a brand new Ford Raptor and she’s gone off to get a sleeve tattoo this morning”
“If she can just stick to Chiko Rolls and long necks of Tooheys New, the voters in the Hunter might not even notice her American accent and deep hatred of coal”.