The Member For Warringah, Tony Abbott, has today been forced to acknowledge that there is a good chance he will be voted out in the upcoming federal election.

Urged by his remarkably loyal wife, Margie, the former Prime Minister finally reached out to his once allied state member – former Premier Mike Baird.

Mr Baird, who quit as NSW premier and retired from politics in January 2017 to spend more time with his family, seems to have be well and truly back on the horse – as the bright lights of the corporate banking sector draw him back to work.

While the two deeply religious community members once worked hand in hand to privatise public assets and stoke the fires of anti-gay marriage sentiment across New South Wales, they haven’t really had much to do since Tony Abbott was publicly humiliated in leadership spill by his arch-nemesis Malcolm Turnbull. A public execution that appears to have left severe psychological scarring on the back bencher.

However, now, with new poll numbers suggesting the man who thought it would be a good idea to knight Prince Phillip instead of Richie Benaud might be unemployed by this time next month – the Abbott family are beginning to worry about how they are going to maintain their blue blood standard of living.

Abbott, who is under threat of losing his seat to a much more competent and non-fundamentalist Catholic Independent in the shape of former Olympic medalist Zali Steggall – has today had to hedge his bets.

“Hey, ah, Mike” says Abbott, after finally taking his female life partners’s advice and calling the now high-ranking NAB executive.

“It’s been a long time between confessions, father..”


“Um. Nah. Just kidding. Sorry if that came across as blasphemic. Um, ah anyway. You still, um, against gay marriage?”

“Me too. I abstained from voting on the ballot, by the way. Even though my sister was engaged to another woman and 75% of the electorate voted yes. I had to stick to my guns. You woulda been proud. Bit like the greyhound thing but without the backflip”

“Anyway, long story short. It doesn’t like that will be the last time my constituents tick the wrong box… And Margie’s getting nervous that I may be unemployable outside of giving interviews and bullying female subordinates”

“So um, I know things are a bit different after the Royal Commission, and trust me mate, I tried my hardest to stop that thing. But Turnbull went with public opinion… and you know…”

“… Anyway… Any jobs going in the banking sector? Gina might have something for me, but I’m worried she’ll put me to work haha. This campaigning stuff has been really tough”

“Anyway hooroo, might see you at one of those weird Pentecostal Church services ScoMo keeps inviting me to”

At time of press, Tony Abbott was being berated by his wife after the two of them discovered he had been having a one-way conversation with the answering machine in Gladys Berejeklian’s office.


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