ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is reportedly recovering this evening after what he initially believed to be an acid flashback stemming from an incident where Kerry Packer reportedly forced him to ingest LSD at gunpoint in the mid-90s, but has since described as a “visitation of historical significance.”
While enjoying his usual dusk paddle around Sydney Harbour, Malcolm says he was halfway between Point Piper and the headland when a glowing figure rose from the water, gently parting the chop like Moses at sea.
“I thought it was one of those Japanese whaling drones at first,” he told The Advocate.
“Wouldn’t have been the first time they’ve rocked up unannounced. But then he spoke. In perfect, ghostly English. It was Shinzo Abe.”
The late Japanese statesman allegedly urged the silver-haired former PM to return to politics, warning him that “the Menzies vision of liberalism is on life support” and that Peter Dutton was “the metaphorical pillow.”
“Abe said I’m the only one who take the fight to the Teals. That I’m the only one who can unite the party before it tears itself apart like a Hillsong leadership summit. Shinzo, I missed our chats,” he said.
“Shinzo said, ‘Malcolm-san, we both know Ro Knox is about as inspiring as the new renovations at the Rose Bay Hotel. As chintzy at the bootleg Catalina that’s next door to it in the seaplane terminal. She’s a blow in, from Melbourne. Allegra grew up in Wentworth, Malcolm-san, she can only be taken down by another who did, too. You, Malcolm-san.'”
Turnbull says Abe made special mention of Angus Taylor as “a new and improved Barnaby Joyce” — not “some mouthy Catholic from a sheep bog near Walcha,” but “a smooth Protestant from the Snowy.” A King’s boy. “One of us,” Abe apparently said.
Before Turnbull could respond, the Rose Bay ferry blasted its horn at him, having drifted halfway to Shark Island.
“I was crying,” said Malcolm.
“Not sure if it was grief… or the residual LSD still stuck in my spinal fluid.”
When asked if he plans to run again, Turnbull stared wistfully into the middle distance.
“The darkest hour is right before dawn,” he said.
More to come.
