“You know that John Mayer song, Spitballing?”

“I’m spit balllllllling,”

“It’s not really my thing, I’m more a Hinder guy but Jenny loves that one.”

That’s how Scott Morrison began this afternoon’s press conference about the fact his two billion dollar Fire Relief Fund promise is complete horseshit.

“Anyway, look forget it, that was just me trying to seem relatable with a reference from pop culture,” Scotty from Marketing continued.

“But yeah, that two billion worth of emergency loans, grants and stimulus that was supposed to be delivered quick smarts to citizens who lost everything in the bushfires, that wasn’t actually a thing,” he laughed.

“I can’t believe you guys full on thought it was a thing,” said Scotty after revelations emerged in senate estimates that $400,000 of the two billion has been rolled out.

“That was just me thinking aloud with my marketing cap on at the height of the crisis when the public was off me because I went on an international holiday while the country burnt and then went missing in action for a few weeks after I returned.”

“We don’t need to roll that much money out, we’re in danger of publicising a very unfavourable looking budget.”

“Australians are resilient people, they’ll find a way back on their feet. They don’t like big government, they like little government who lets them go about their lives.”

“Okay, I’m going now,” he said before anyone could ask any questions.


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