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Scotty From Marketing has reportedly asked one of his staffers to notify him when his coalition colleagues has made the tough decision to sign up to Net Zero Emissions, so that he can start packing his bags for another trip overseas to be photographed with the Queen and the US President.
This comes after a week of scrambling by his coalition partners in the National Party, who have been left with the gruelling task of backflipping on everything they have ever stood for after the Prime Minister made a last minute decision to fly to Glasgow for the UN Climate Summit.
Scotty had originally planned on giving Glasgow a miss, but after being pressured into an appearance by his beloved Prince Charles and Boris Johnson, it seems that the Australian government is now going to have to pretend they haven’t spend two decades actively undermining any action on climate change.
LNP senator Matt Canavan has threatened to vote against his own government’s legislation and campaign against a net-zero target if Scott Morrison ignores the Nationals.
“This could get a little bit ugly,” the prominent Climate Change denier told the media today.
“I’m not going to sign up to a net-zero emissions target and I will vote against anything and everything that does that … and many others that support our causes will be voting against that.”
This gridlock looks a lot like hard work for Scotty, who has retreated to positing warm and fuzzy post-lockdown photos on social media while he leaves the tough decisions to Barnaby Joyce and his merry gang of rural backbenchers.
However, the vote in favour of Net Zero would render the pro-mining National Party almost completely useless, hence the inability to come to a decision.
Without getting involved in discussions himself, for fear of potentially damaging his polling numbers in carbon-exposed electorates, Scotty has chosen to simply wait until he hears what he wants to hear.
“Okay” Scotty told his staffer today, a dapper public servant tasked with passing messages between the PM and his Deputy.
“Can you tell me when they’ve made the decision. I want to know when I can start packing for Glasgow”
“I’ll keep pressuring them with public announcements about how much I back this plan and how much I love David Attenborough”
“But let them know I can’t go over there empty handed… Or else Biden might not give me those submarines in 25 years time”