LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Scott Morrison has finally given an indication that he might just do something more about the four allegations made against a former Liberal Party staffer.
After being tricked to front the press by opening a door offering great deals on a Hawaiian timeshare, Mr Morrison initially made several ill-conceived jokes where he said ‘what allegations?’ in the style of a panto actor with a mustachioed thief sneaking around behind him.
Upon being promised he could finish by saying a few things about the footy, Mr Morrison vowed to the press that he would go after any future rapists as aggressively as if they were a welfare cheat.
“Last night I was chatting with the old ball and misso, and she reminded me our girls will one day be tax payers and that welfare cheats will be stealing from them as well,” stated Mr Morrison, discreetly trying to pluck out a nose hair in order to produce ‘human tears.’
“The point is, I hear you and we are doing everything we can to end the toxic culture of welfare cheats.”
When asked about how a group that is meant to run a country thinks ‘it slipped through the cracks’ is a believable excuse for not doing anything about sexual assault in what seems dangerously like a multi-department cover up, Mr Morrison made this statement:
“At the end of the day mate, I don’t hold the handcuffs. Contrary to what you might believe, you can’t just arrest people because you’re Prime Minister. I’m sure you are as surprised as I am to find that out but you can’t.”
“But believe you me. As someone who has made people through the use of my marital glands, I understand that all of us have feelings probably. And I am doing everything I can to make sure rapists receive the same justice as putrid, illegal dole bludgers.”
“Anyway, my turn to pick the topic now! Did you see the All Stars game? 10 all! What was that? Let’s have some golden time baby!”