After a horror final sitting week in Parliament House, Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has been unable to stop himself from engaging in unseen levels of political pettiness during his final address to the house.

Many colleagues at hoped that Scotty might take the high road, after losing three of his most integral cabinet Ministers in the space of 24 hours.

Unfortunately this was not to be, as the Prime Minister gave a Christmas send off that was littered with partisan digs at his political opponents.

The traditionally non-political Christmas farewell went for close to twenty minutes, and was mostly a tribute to the Prime Minister, by the Prime Minister.

Complete with self-congratulatory references to how many boomers have been able to buy new investment properties during the pandemic, as well as dog shots at his political opponents and the journalists in the press gallery who really just wanted everyone to finish saying Merry Christmas to eachother so they could all fuck off home to their families.

With a wave of turquoise-coloured female independents making a move at the moderate Liberal seats this election, and every voter outside of NSW feeling betrayed by the Federal Government throughout the last two years of financial uncertainty and endless lockdowns – Morrison had the chance to finish the year on a warm and fuzzy note.

However, with the pressure of having every comment he’s ever made under the microscope and fact-checked, it appears that Scotty is growing frustrated with being labelled an incompetent liar by the vast majority of Australians – including many of his rapidly dissenting Liberal and National Party colleagues.

In response to this scary new climate of accountability, paired with very few cuddles from the Murdoch media, Scotty chose to finish the year on a low note on the last sitting day in Parliament for 2021.

“Anyway, as I said…”

“We are the greatest government that this country has ever had. And I’m the greatest Prime Minister that this country has ever had”

“And anyone who has an issue with me, whether they be detached inner-city journalists who live inside this Canberra bubble, or they are my own backbenchers who don’t think I have what it takes to win the next election…”

“Basically I just want to say that you are all morons who are out of touch with the quiet Australians. In fact, I would go further and say that you mean nothing to be. I view you with the same regard as I view Anthony Albanese and all of the Labor scum sitting opposite me in Parliament House today”

“So with that, I’d like to say. Merry Christmas to all, except anyone who has criticised me this year.”

“You can all go and fuck yourselves. I hope your Christmas ham is spoiled and causes you to suffer a painful bout of dysentery that lasts until News Years Day”


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