Peter Dutton has turned up at work this morning after a sleepless night.

The Minister for Home Affairs didn’t manage to drift off because he was kept awake at night by the appalling treatment of offshore detainees, or because of his role in completely and utterly castrating the government, but lay awake through the night because he was reading through all of the group chats he got kicked out of.

This comes after an agreement was reached on new national security laws by the two major parties yesterday, to allow authorities to intercept encrypted messages.

While Mr Dutton originally argued that the new laws were necessary because 95% of people watched by domestic spy authorities were using encrypted message apps, The Betoota Advocate can exclusively reveal this morning that the cop from Queensland had an ulterior motive.

That motive was to be able to gain access to all of the chats he was kicked out off after his failed bid at the Liberal Party leadership in August.

Mr Dutton explained that now the laws have been passed he is doing his best jealous partner impression by snooping through any chats he can get his hands on.

“My first order was to get access to ‘Leadership Dudes 2k18’ again and it makes for some disturbing reading,” Mr Dutton said to us.

“Why are they talking about keeping me in the background as much as possible? And who the fuck is Josh Frydenberg to be giving me shit about my noggin? He’s almost as bald as the tires on a 2008 Nissan Skyline in Caboolture.”

Mr Dutton then showed us another chat.

“I didn’t get kicked out of this one, but why do Tony, Alan Jones and Ray Hadley have a private chat? And why were they calling a puppet?”

More to come.


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