ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has today confirmed that if elected, the Coalition will commit to a bold new plan to ensure Australians are gouged at record speeds, both financially and by Mother Nature when she finally decides to kill us all.
Speaking in a hi-vis vest on the East Coast, Dutton declared his intention to “fast-track gas projects” bypassing lengthy processes like environmental assessments, community consultation and basic common sense.
“This is about energy security,” explained Dutton, wedged between Woodside and Santos executives.
“And helping out those who’ve helped me get here.”
While the plan is being touted as a move to lower energy bills, industry experts say it’s more of a “cash-splash and dash”. It comes with over $1.3 billion in subsidies set to go straight into the pockets of multinational fossil fuel companies who already export 80% of our gas overseas.
“Think of it as trickle-down economics, except with fire,” said one energy analyst.
“We don’t have a gas shortage, we have a gas export addiction. And ultimately the one who pays for it is you and me and small business. Have new mines in WA kept the iron ore price down?”
Environmental groups say the fast-tracked gas expansion won’t just hurt household budgets, but also future generations, with the plan set to supercharge climate change and lead to more deadly heatwaves, floods and bushfires.
“When the kids are wading through ankle-deep floodwater on the school run, at least we’ll know the gas guys made a mint,” said a twisted leftie from Betoota Heights.
“Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.”
Dutton also promised to cancel large-scale renewable energy projects – ensuring more Australians will pay more for power while the climate keeps breaking records, alongside axing the $10 billion Housing Australia Future Fund and culling 41 000 public service jobs.
“It’s not about helping Australians,” muttered one voter.
“It’s about helping shareholders. Shareholders that don’t even live here.”
More to come.
