The Victorian Liberals are this week putting their shoulder to the wheel in a battle to retain key heartland seats currently at risk of being snatched up by Teal Independents in Melbourne’s affluent metropolitan suburbs.

On top of all the drama the Opposition has been dealing with in regards to the recent exposès into a very real undertow of Nazi Christian fundamentalists being chosen for pre-selection, there is also the concerns that the Victorian Liberals will be bitten by the same neoliberal revolution that ousted Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.

Even Peter Costello’s Nine newspapers have been unable to fire cheap shots at the embattled Liberals leader Matthew Guy, who has been limping into this election ever since the outbreak of the pandemic rendered his entire party completely irrelevant to anyone except desperate conspiracists.

Matthew Guy and his last remaining cheerleaders in the Murdoch media are now at the point of making fun of Premier Dan Andrews for breaking his back, after three years of having nothing to say but ‘we wish this virus didn’t exist and we didn’t have to take precautions to avoid catching it’.

With his back against the wall, and very little inspiration or encouragement coming from the polls – Guy needs all the help he can get.

Although, there is a certain offer of help that he cannot possible accept.

“Guyzzzie” chuckles Federal Opposition Leader, Petter Dutton MP, in a voice mail left for his Victorian contemporary earlier today.

“How you doing mate?”

“Listen. Canberra is doing my head in. I can’t get anything done. Need to get out of this joint… You don’t mind if I come down and join ya on the campaign trail this week? Call me back and let me know. I wanna get my door-knocking on!”

Guy immediately peels off the side of his iPhone 12 and removes the sim card, before snapping it into three pieces and throwing the plastic shrapnel into a water fountain on Macquarie Street.

“Fuck. That!” scowls the Victorian Opposition leader.

“I’d rather shit in my hands and clap. “

It appears that Peter Dutton, a former highway cop turned multimillionaire real estate investor turned cold blooded far-right Immigration Minister, is just about the last person Matthew Guy needs to be photographed with in the dying days of this humiliating election.

“What the fuck does this potato-headed fuck think he’s gonna achieve?” mutter Guy.

“Radicalise another couple hundred thousand housewives of the Yarra?”

“I’d be better off getting Ricky Nixon to hand out flyers”


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