As the Australian media excitedly wait for the latest Newspoll numbers for the preferred PM, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton is hard at work attempting to dig up from the hole he has found himself in after backpedalling on his own parties wishes to install an Indigenous Voice to Parliament.

After losing all of the Liberal’s rising stars and moderate MPs in the 2022 Federal Election, Dutton has been left with the dregs of a once powerful party – now mostly made up of culture wars mouth breathers who would rather stay in opposition until the sun burns out before they give those whingeing First Australians a fucken thing.

On top of all dealing with all of the faeces that he has personally thrown into the industrial warehouse fan, today Dutton must now also announce a reshuffle of the Coalition’s shadow frontbench, naming the unhinged Sky News darling Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price as the new shadow minister for Indigenous Australians.

Last week Liberal MP Julian Leeser, who held the shadow attorney-general and Indigenous Australians ministries, resigned and moved to the backbench in order to campaign against his party’s platform and in support of the Voice instead – because, you know, the Liberals were originally the biggest supporters of this initiative, before it started looking like it could actually happen.

With Albanese’s referendum looking very much like a permanent arrow in the heel of comically unelectable Liberal Party, conversations are now swirling amongst the party’s members about the possibility of just swallowing their pride and opting to be on the right side of history.

However, today it can be revealed that the number one concern held by Dutton and his colleagues regarding the Voice is their very legitimate concern that a constitutionally enshrined Indigenous Advisory body might turn into a criminal software programme that forces our most vulnerable to contend with an automated method of calculating alleged government debts by matching their reported pay with their supposed annual incomes, which will be estimated by averaging data from the Taxation Office that might actually be faulty and result in the hounding of hundreds of thousands of vulnerable Australians to repay thousands of dollar they do not owe – with a disgraceful number of low-socio-economic families driven into poverty, homelessness and suicide as a result of the government sanctioned harassment from debt collectors.

“We just want all the details” says Dutton.

“We would never sign off on anything like this without knowing that it won’t harm Australians”


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