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Scotty From Marketing has today yelled his way through a 30 minute press conference, after the terrifying realisation that he had missed an opportunity to take credit for something he’d had nothing to do with.
After delaying Australia’s jab roll-out by 6 months because he was too busy starting a trade war with China and Europe to even bother picking up the phone to talk to Pfizer, Scotty has today jumped at the chance to take credit for New South Wales’ imminent freedom day.
Unfortunately for the big fella, it seems the freshly-appointed NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet had already broken the good news to the people of Sydney.
As NSW hits the 70% jab milestone with great momentum, Perrottet has this morning doubled the number of people who can attend home visits, weddings and funerals from Monday, as part of changes being made to the state’s reopening plan.
The state will emerge from lockdown on Monday 11 October, meaning pubs can let the taps roar, while home visitors will be doubled to 10 (not counting children 12 and under),
The existing caps on outdoor gatherings will be lifted to 30 (previously 20), and caps on weddings and funerals have been doubled to 100 people.
On top of this, Perrottet also announced that all children will return to school on 25 October, bringing peace to millions of parents across the state.
For the new NSW Premier, it was a hell of way to finish his first week in the job by giving the people exactly what they want.
This has reported infuriated the Prime Minister who had always planned to take credit for the imminent good times that are the result of the state premiers and Australian voters clawing tooth and nail to find a jab booking.
“OI!!!!” shouted the PM in today’s press conference.
“I was supposed to be the one that announces that schools and pubs are back!!!”
“Just remember. Freedom was MY idea!!”
“It was Gladys that wanted to lock you down. Not me…”
“And it was me that wanted to free you from lockdown… Not this new bloke!!!”
“I promise… Once I get out of quarantine… I will give you more freedom than he’s giving you”
Before wrapping up his newest good news announcement, Morrison was then asked a question about whether interstate travel will be restricted by closed borders over Christmas.
“I dunno” he said.
“Blame the premiers”