CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Australia’s Minister for Defence, the Honourable Marise Payne has announced an 11 billion dollar investment in 80s hunks as an ongoing precaution against ISIS and faltering border control.
Payne cited that the hunks will come in a range of models, mostly falling between the 1986 – 1989 make.
“It’s quite a straight forward rollout,” stated Mrs Payne,
“The ’80s hunks are perhaps the finest that have ever been,”
“They’ll be using their natural hunkiness to throw our enemies off guard, making would be terrorists and people smugglers lose confidence as the hunks swagger in with slicked back blonde tips and blue tinted aviators, projecting and aggravating cock-sure aura that will, if anything, make our opponents question their ability to win the karate tournament/dance off/arcade game play off.”
The hunks are to be equipped with ski joggles, zip-up vests, and slightly flared jeans. Each will have a Nintendo Powerglove, which is understood to be “so bad” (bad in a positive sense aka ‘sublimely radical’ or ‘full gnarly’).
Critics of the scheme have stated that the hunks will only strengthen the resolve of those that the government is aiming to defeat. They cited the high risk of terrorists and people-smugglers overcoming the odds and winning the play-offs with a rag tag team, making the hunks lose support of their lackeys, and – in a dire scenario – winning over the hunk’s hot girlfriend.
Some high-ranking officials in the security forces have gone a step further, citing the hunk’s penchant for finding an unlikely respect for the terrorist/people smuggler, and helping them win the BMX contest at the end of the third act.
Senator Payne has reassured defence experts that these hunks are “truly insufferable pricks” and that though a few hot girlfriends can be expected to be lost, none of the hunks will defect, and will go as far as cheating if it means winning “the big trophy”.