In a blind effort to strike an emotive cord with apathetic Sydney voters, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian is going ahead with her plan to spend more than two billion dollars to demolish and rebuild both ANZ and Allianz stadiums.

With the finishing touches being applied to the new Parramatta Stadium, and something like $25 million being designated for another stadium in the bush, NSW voters say they appreciate all the effort going in to entertaining cityfolk, but it’s still pretty weird that you can’t get a beer after like 9:30 in most of Sydney.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love stadiums” said one drought-stricken Dubbo voter, Sparky Sherridun (55)

“I literally had a wet dream about stadiums last night”

“But last time I went to Sydney to watch the Waratahs lose, there wasn’t even 1000 cunts at the grounds, and they were only serving mid-strength”

“We wandered up to Surry Hills and Paddington afterwards and couldn’t find one pub that was open.”

“What are they planning on showing in these Stadiums? Hillsong concerts?”

However, D̶e̶v̶e̶l̶o̶p̶e̶r̶s̶ NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says this kind of sentiment is unhelpful and does nothing for Sydney’s reputation as the third most liveable city in New South Wales.

As someone who never drank more than three glasses of rosè in one sitting before the age of forty, I learnt very early on that there are plenty of ways to keep occupied on a night out in Sydney” wrote the Premier, in the foreword of a new pamphlet that has been mailed out to Sydney voters.

“New stadiums bring jobs to the people that have been laid off from the Light Rail job, while we look for new overseas contractors to pick up the pieces”

“And you don’t need to be drunk to watch a game of football, in fact being sober is ideal, we still don’t know how to stop these people from letting of flares at the Wanderers matches, and we just assume alcohol is a big factor”.

The pamphlet also showed an artist’s impressions of what all these new stadiums will look like, and finished with accidentally inclusion of a byline written by the PR team representing the contractors that have been promised these refurbishments.

“Our state needs these stadiums to truly show off our liveability”

“Brought to you by BairdCorp”


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