8 February, 2016. 11:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
After learning that husband Bill had a bad day, politically, Chloe Shorten moved a tube of aloe vera burn gel from the bottom draw of their Canberra holiday home – to the fridge.
“Chilling it makes it more effective and soothing,” explained Chloe. “Apparently Malcolm seriously rekt him today in parliament and he got burned real bad.”
“Poor Bill. Things were going so well recently. Cory Bernardi shitting the bed, Tony Abbott stepping on every egg shell he can find and Trump hanging up on Malcolm. You can’t win every day, I suppose.”
Late this afternoon, the prime minister unleashed an unprecedented attack on the leader of the opposition, labelling him a ‘parasite’ and a ‘sycophant to billionaires’ – to which Bill had no reply.
Video of the tongue lashing has since gone viral, with everybody from DPM Barnaby Joyce to Tanya Plibersek struggling to contain their laughter as Malcolm Turnbull tore Bill Shorten’s life to pieces.
“Yeah mate, he’s got his fucking mojo back, that’s for sure,” said Joyce. “Folk were off him for cutting our Gold Passes and all, but at this rate, he’ll let us smoke inside again during winter. He’s on fire!”
Equally full of praise was fellow frontbencher Christopher Pyne, who was seen licking his lips and writhing around in his seat with sheer ecstasy during the exchange.
“I almost passed out,” he said. “I haven’t been this full of energy since I double dunked at an ABBA tribute concert at the Adelaide Oval in 1993. I couldn’t get the heat out from under my collar for weeks.”
More to come.