Adelaide’s private schools are ecstatic today, after learning that they may get their hands on a new coach just in time for the 2020 rowing season.

This comes after the announcement that Federal senator Cory Bernardi will quit politics by the end of the year, after finding no success in his efforts to dominate right-wing politics in Australia, after seceding from the Coalition after convincing himself that Turnbull was a gay-apologist renewables shill.

The former Australian rower turned Liberal Senator turned far-right minor-party-leader-and-senator, who has voted with the government on almost all legislation since his defection in February 2017, confirmed his decision last night.

This comes after failing to win over common-sense conservatives with his Coalition off-shoot, The Australian Conservatives Party. Mainly due to the fact that he had too much self-respect to allow himself to sit on the couch of a breakfast TV show once a week and pull shit out of his arse.

“In reflecting on my time in Parliament I’m happy I always stuck to my principles and supported proven policy, rather than succumb to the siren call of the victimhood of populism” said Bernardi.

The Betoota Advocate’s political analyst Antoni Blue has translated these comments for our readers: “My political shortcomings can come down to the fact that I can’t help but respect scientists, or anyone who works with irrefutable data. I also have a level of respect for the religious freedoms of whoever wants to pray to whatever God they want. This had made it hard for me to win votes as I am unable to blow dog whistles on Sunrise and demonise Muslims and climate experts with the same venom as say, Pauline Hanson or Peter Dutton, who actually aren’t that interested in conservative ideology but more utilising it as a tool to scare vulnerable Australians into voting for them”

While Bernardi knows for a fact that he is far more conservative than the leftist sleeper cells that were Malcolm ‘Innovation’ Turnbull and Christopher ‘My Phone Was Hacked’ Pyne – it has since become clear that the right-wing mandate of the new and improved Pentecostal Liberal Party has further pushed him into political irrelevance.

The fact that Bernardi was forced into retirement for not being ENOUGH of a redneck has come as a shock to many within the free-loading political classes.

However, his senate colleagues say Bernardi’s left-wing shortcomings are not nearly as shocking as the idea of someone actually retiring from one of the easiest and highest-paying jobs in the public service, even after realising they weren’t of much use.


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