The Nation

Port Douglas Retiree Releases Gutter Rap Album To Go With His Entirely Nautica Wardrobe

After years of being mistaken for a Western Sydney gangster, one retired Far North Queensland property magnate has today decided to lean into to the subculture most commonly associated with Nautica resortwear. Ken Cazaly (70) has today decided that he may as well be about that life, after years of dressing head to toe in the eshay uniform. Ken says releasing...

Remaining Fence Posts In North QLD Ruined By Slacklines After PETA Finally Arrive To Help Out

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a big week of dancing on Steve Irwin's grave and legitimately asking the world's pet-owners to only refer to their pets as companions, PETA have finally arrived in the Gulf country to help out on the ground. Not wanting to waste any time with their social media activity, a couple of staff members immediately set about constructing...

Sniffer Dogs Euthanised After Wandering Into Young Liberals Function At Star Casino

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a bizarre deviation from protocol, the NSW police have today instantly destroyed three unlucky canine officers who were unfortunately caught doing their jobs at the wrong place and the wrong time. The drug detection dogs were believed to have wandered away from their patrol of the housing commissions in Glebe and Ultimo, and accidentally ended up inside Star...

Cotton Farmer Faces The Horror Of Growing Something Edible After Failing To Receive Water Allocation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Cotton is the best return on our investment," he said. "At the end of the day, we are a business. You have to understand that. With the water we used to get every year, cotton was always the best thing to grow for our business." However, this year has been especially hard for a local cotton...

Local Undercover Festival Cop Carries A Strap Just In Case He Needs To Shoot Somebody

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Probationary Constable Darcy Buxland told our reporters he spent most of Friday afternoon cleaning his service Glock 17 and crossing the 9mm bullets so they'd have more stopping power should he need it. The Betoota Heights Local Area Command was spearheading the police presence at a small music festival on the outskirts of our...

Nationals Face Wipe-Out After Report Surfaces That Reveals None Of Them Can Drive A Manual

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The National Party is in lockdown this morning after an internal report was leaked to the media suggesting that none of regional Australia's representatives in Canberra can drive a manual transmission. It comes at a largely inconvenient time for the Nats, who now face the prospect of an election wipe-out due to these damning revelations. Speaking...

Gold Coast Residents Disappointed Cyclone Oma Didn’t Get As Far As The M1 Yatala Turn-Off

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While roofers and tilers right across the South-East corner are still on medical leave,  residents still cling on to hope that Ex-Tropical Cyclone Oma could make landfall before it fizzles out completely. The unusual but closely monitored weather pattern has triggered massive waves off Queensland's southeast coast, exceeding 12 metres offshore from Mooloolaba - but unfortunately didn't hit the...

Friends Of Local Man Content With Relaxing On A Friday Night Begin Looking For Ulterior Motive

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Where is Jonesy?" said the most toxic of the bunch. "Yeah!" said another. "Oi! Somebody get FUCKING Jonesy on the phone right this instant!" But Jonesy wasn't answering - because Jonesy was at home relaxing on the couch because even though day being Friday, Jonesy didn't feel like getting schoonered to the point he started speaking fluent...

“These Kids Want Everything For Free” Explains Local Pensioner

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Retired teacher Phil Phillips (76) says that the youth of today need to stop relying on the government for handouts to ease the burden the national budget, allocating more spend for pensioners such as himself. Having once read a Tweet, Phillips says he understands what is wrong with Millenials, stating the need to work harder, like he did...

Theatre Actor Who Can Pull Off A Tradie Excited For Election Campaign Season

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local theatre actor Miles Nichols (34) may be the only person looking forward to the 2019 federal election, as his browned skin and wide arms mean he will likely make some coin playing a tradie in an election campaign. Having performed to tens of thousands of people, some of which said they might go to the theatre again...

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