The Nation

Record Hot Day Means This City Worker Should’ve Packed A Jumper For Work

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As temperatures nudge 50 degrees here on the fringe of the Simpson Desert, one city worker is kicking herself because she didn't remember to pack a jumper for work. While the commute to work on the underground would've been hellish, a jumper would've been nice once Billie Joneswell gets to work. The 26-year-old works in the...

Fisheries Say A Stubbie Is The Offical Yardstick By Which All Yabbies Must Be Measured

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal Office of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry announced today that the standard stubbie is now the official measure of a yabbie, taking much of the previously necessary guesswork out of it. A legal yabbie must be at lease as long as a stubbie's thorax, the thicker and wider part. The taking of a female...

Local Pizza Delivery Man Says He’s Been Getting Garlic Bread Instead Of Super For Years

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Heights pizza delivery driver has revealed to The Advocate today that his employer has been paying part of his wage in garlic bread for years and he can't understand why people are so shocked by it. Darryl O'Toole has been delivering pizzas on and off for nearly a decade and has known the...

Criminal Activity In Banking Sector To Result In Fuck All Jail Time For Any Of These Cunts

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In what comes as a relief for the nation's banking industry, it can be confirmed today that none of them need be sweating bullets. Following yet another set of revelations about a major bank breaking the law, the Australian legal system has quickly moved to assure the banking industry that none of those who have broken the law...

“Be Nicer To China!” Says Local Man Employed By Chinese State-Owned Bank

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local man who currently sits on the international advisory board of a Chinese state-owned bank has suggested the government be nicer to China moving forward. Paul Keating, an opinionated retiree from Sydney's interior suburbs, has warned the Prime Minister that treating China like the imperialistic human rights abuser it is will only result in...

Gabba’s Curator Drops In Section Of Vulture Street Into Pitch Ahead Of First Test

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Against his will, the curator at Brisbane's Woolloongabba Cricket Ground has dropped in a section of nearby Vulture Street into the pitch after the powerful Victorian Football lobby demanded it. Cricket, which once-upon-a-time featured pitches with had their own distinct characteristics from ground to ground, has suffered the indignity of being lectured by a Victorian...

Self-Described Fiscally-Conservative Socially-Liberal Person Just Looks A Bit Off

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local man who supports the current government's economic policy while also enjoying the company of our town's minority communities just looks a bit off. Benson Granger, of Betoota Grove, has a weird looking face and a pair of teeth on him that look nice and straight, just too big. Coworkers at Credit Suisse Betoota, where...

Palest Colleague In Workplace Also The Most Confident In Shorts

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The warmer weather is definitely upon us here in Betoota and one local tech specialist has not let the opportunity pass him by, forgoing his usual collared shirt and slacks combo and opting instead for a t-shirt and below the knee cargo shorts. Kevin Atink’s fashion choices are not particularly ballsy, yet it has a number...

Richard Kingsmill Handcuffs Self To Pipe And Swears The Only Way He’ll Leave Triple J Is Feet First

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The mass exodus at the Triple J has claimed a number of high profile personalities in recent weeks - but one of the most senior public servants at the station has declared he's going nowhere this morning. Our public broadcaster's youth radio station's music director, Richard Kingsmill, has handcuffed himself to a pipe down at...

Barnaby Joyce’s Media Pigeon Applies For Vacant Prince Andrew Job

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of the nation's top media pigeons is considering a defection to the UK, according to leaked National Party emails. The emails suggest Barnaby Joyce's crack media pigeon has applied for the role of Prince Andrew's Senior Public Relations Manager after the Royal went on television overnight, pull back the sheets, lowered his britches and...

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