The Nation

Relative With Pool Selfishly Refuses To Host Christmas

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove man who converted his privileged private school background into a successful career is business has refused to host Christmas this year just because he can. The main reason why Mark Roland doesn't want to have Christmas at his place again is that his less successful relatives take the piss and stay there...

Brisbane Man Sends It Into River After Being Unable To Find Station Not Playing Dance Monkey

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Brisbane electrician has treated himself to a dip in the brown snake this afternoon. The 29-year-old decided to do so after failing to find a radio station not playing Dance Monkey despite trying for a significant period of time. "I don't know if the fucking thing is on repeat or what, but I couldn't land a frequency...

Discontinuation Of Resch’s Infuriates Nation’s Proper Drinkers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As Australians react to the shocking news that some the nation's favourite non-alcoholic beverages will now be Chinese-owned following $600 million takeover of one of Australia’s biggest dairy operations - there is even more confronting news on the horizon that will hit proper drinkers right in the liver. The Chinese dairy company Mengniu which earlier agreed to pay $1.5...

Westpac Boardmembers Begin Quietly Applying For Vacant Treasurer Position At The Vatican

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The underfire board members at Big 4 Bank Westpac have begun discreetly exploring other career opportunities it can be confirmed. This follows their CEO tragically and painfully being paid $2.7 million dollars to quit, and their Chairman stepping down after the bank they were in charge of was alleged to have facilitated serious money-laundering breaches. AUSTRAC is alleging...

Head Of NSW Police Defends Ban On All OneFour Concerts: “I’m More Of A Nickelback Kinda Guy”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In yet another inspiring example of the extra-lengths the New South Wales Police Force have taken to improve their reputation with the youth, the cops have today admitted to pressuring live music venues around the nation to cancel sold-out concerts for OneFour, the biggest musical act in the country. This comes after a long couple months for the NSW...

Schoolies Bad Boy Image Damaged After Being Spotted Loading Up On Groceries With Mum

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Year 12 graduate Drew Dandle (17) has managed to make quite a name for himself during the alcohol-soaked coming of age ritual that is schoolies on the Gold Coast.  This week on the podcast, we sat down with John Safran to talk about the countless entertainment he's provided to the nation and plenty more. Listen here: After making friends with...

Outgoing Westpac CEO Insists He’s The Real Victim In All This

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The sun-bleached sack of mayonnaise that used to run one of Australia's largest banks was forced to step down this morning after it was discovered his institution laundered money for people allegedly linked to child exploitation. Westpac was pinged earlier in the week by our nation's financial intelligence agency, AUSTRAC, which accused the bank of...

Victoria to Trial New 36 Bin Recycling System

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Victorians could soon be recycling 97% of their household waste under a new plan to provide each household with a total of 36 separate bins. Infrastructure Victoria Chief Executive Michel Masson said he was sure the community would not mind the extra effort required. “It seems complex, but I am sure Victorians will quickly get used to the marginal amount of extra...

NSW Young Nationals Spotted In Suburban Melbourne Shopping Centre

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A group of Young Nationals have caused a scene in the outer Melbourne suburb of Woodend over the weekend. The Young Nats did so when they were spotted walking through the Woodend Coles in their unofficial uniform. The wearing of the Nazi outfits caused consternation at the local shopping centre and comes less than 12 months after the...

Rugby Union To Die Without Dignity

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Rugby union has been largely abandoned by Foxtel, recent news suggests, leaving it to meander down sport's river of death that is Optus Sport. From the sport's salad days in the years immediately preceding the September 11 attacks on New York to whatever it is now, rugby union has experienced a slow demise that has...

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