The Nation

PM: Privatisation Of ABC On Hold Until Rural Areas No Longer Needs Crucial Bushfire Updates

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has today continued in his 'herculean' effort to provide the Federal support to bushfire recovery efforts that he should have provided around the time he went to Hawaii before Christmas. This comes as close to 4000 homes have been lost and nearly a billion native animals perished in the climate-change-aided bushfire season that...

Government Promises Widespread Rain This Weekend Will Return Everything Back To Normal

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Big-Fella-In-Chief down in Canberra has broken his uncharacteristic silence this morning to promise everything will go back to normal once this big rain coming on the weekend arrives. Scott Morrison, who once worked in marketing, couldn't help but let a wry smile cross his face as he declared that "things had been a little...

Casual Teacher Refuses To Be Lectured On Droughts As Long Summer Sees Bank Account Evaporate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There's a solid maternity leave waiting for him come February but for one local casual teacher, it might be too late. For the past week, Martin Stevenson, Betoota Heights casual teacher, has been living on credit cards and the charity of his roommates. He admitted to our reporter that he could've squirrelled some money away toward...

Doritos Sales Fall By 42.0% Following Destruction Of Nimbin Hinterland By 2019 Bushfires

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Sales of Doritos have plummeted in the wake of the disastrous fires that swept through the Nimbin Hinterland, although the cause of the sales slump is not yet known. Doritoes Spokeswoman Leah Fritos says distributors have been caught unawares. “Nobody is sure what’s going on yet; a lot of fingers are being pointed. We think it may be connected...

Inflatable Camping Beds Recalled After Failing To Inexplicably Deflate Overnight

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A popular model of inflatable air mattress is being urgently recalled by the manufacturer after consumers reported waking the next morning after a quality sleep to find the beds had failed to correctly deflate overnight. The beds, which are available from a number of Australian retailers, are identifiable by their distinctive blue colour and their inability to fit back into the box...

Queen St Mall Hungry Jacks Added To Brisbane’s Cultural Heritage Register

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Queen St Mall Hungry Jacks has finally been officially recognised as one of Brisbane’s most treasured buildings. The iconic landmark was reportedly added to the register after it became apparent just how popular the location was for people ‘waiting for a mate.’ Locals are said to be praising the decision and have unanimously agreed that the council...

Local Man Who Enjoys Throwing Money In The Bin Buys Moleskine Diary

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local piece of sun-dried devon has bought himself a needlessly expensive diary today in the hope that it'll turn his pointless life around. This year marks the first year that Oliver O'Reardon's mother hasn't purchased a Moleskine diary for him. He says it's because he's an unmarried 34-year-old with the lung function of someone...

Young Monarchist From Batlow With An Empty Landcruiser To Fill Up Says He’s Had ‘A Bad Week’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local fly-in-fly-out worker has welcomed the end of this week as it's been a tough one for him. Friends of Dale Greenholm tell The Advocate that the 28-year-old's brain has always blown a bit of blue smoke. "Which means it's fucked. Piston rings are shot," said one pal. "Guess that's why he's always though Australia should...

Authorities Finally Catch Up With Serial Arsonist Dry Lightning

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Police in the nation's bottom-drawer state has finally caught up with the man responsible for lighting a number of fires up and down the eastern seaboard this season. Dry Lightning, 25, was arrested earlier today by detectives and uniformed police officers in Sale, in eastern Victora, ending a month-long manhunt. Mr Lightning, who has no fixed...

Local Man Convinced His Girlfriend Is Gaslighting Him About Leaving Toilet Seat Up

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Heights man says he's being gaslit by his domestic partner about him allegedly leaving the toilet seat up - despite not having a memory of doing so. Marc Poink, who during the day does something with a computer in an office downtown, sat down with our reporter on the D46 bus back to...

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