The Nation

Nation: “Thanks For Ruining Everything, Bondi”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "After what happened on Bondi Beach the other day," said the Prime Minister. "I have no choice but to close down everything. Pubs, clubs, cafes, restaurants. Closed." The nation is today thanking the people of Bondi for ruining everything after they decided the social distancing rules didn't apply to them because they have more money than...

Gladys Grits Teeth And Smiles Through Another Captain’s Call By Scotty The Medical Expert

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a similar vein to press conferences all weekend, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has today smiled, nodded and said something patronising when asked about Prime Minister Scott Morrison's latest announcements. This follows the Prime Minister and the Victorian and NSW Premiers going toe to toe on a number of issues, including whether schools should be closed. The Prime...

Young Liberal Cut Off From Dad Having Bad Morning Eating Some Humble Pie In Centrelink Queue

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove man who's father has largely told him to pull his noodle-armed body up by its bootstraps as been forced to eat some humble pie this morning as he lined up for unemployment benefits after losing his job. Rutland Greene-Smith was working casually three-times-a-week as a bartender at a French Quarter pub until...

Albo Invited To Join National Cabinet Meetings As Long As He’s Happy Sitting On The Floor

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Coalition government has hit back at criticism that they haven't been including the Opposition in their plan to combat the coronavirus today by explaining that Labor leader Anthony Albanese is more than welcome to attend Emergency National Cabinet Meetings as long as he's happy sitting on the floor. "Albo is more than welcome to...

“Help Us, Scotty!” Ask Airline, Bank, Energy Companies That Haven’t Paid Tax For Decades

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A range of multi-billion-dollar companies have put their caps in their hands this morning as they make the quick trip down to Canberra today to beg the Prime Minister not to let them fail. For legal reasons, The Advocate cannot say which airlines, banks, investment funds, energy companies, mining operators and other largely lucrative business...

Australians Returning From Overseas Told To Immediately Jump In An Uber And Go Self-Isolate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the nation continues to try and figure out exactly what everyone should be doing other than just staying at home, rideshare and taxi drivers around the country are freaking the fuck out. This comes as people returning from overseas or interstate frantically pour out of airports and into their vehicles on the way to self-isolating for 14...

Fears Mount Virus May Spread From Floating RSLs To Land-Based RSLs

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A number of RSL clubs in our far south-west corner of Queensland have expressed concern today that the spread of the deadly coronavirus through many floating RSLs may have the potential to spread to more traditional land-based ones. Derek Deardon from the North Betoota RSL said he has concerns about this virus and the fact...

Report: The Gambler He Broke Even

American country singer-songwriter Kenny Rogers has died peacefully of naturally causes at the age of 81. The dealings done. Vale to The Gambler.

Parking Inspectors Apparently Immune To Coronavirus

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If there was one time everyone in the world needs to get behind each other and be kind and supportive it’s now, while we are in the grips of a life-threatening pandemic. While most of the world seemed to have got the memo, somehow even Trump, one industry seems to have missed the memo and are still going about...

Self Isolating Newy Die-Hard Happy To Spend Next 6 Months Watching That Match On Repeat

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Newcastle man with suspiciously few arty tattoos and suspiciously short hair is today being lauded for his ingenuity. Self isolating as best he can in his 4 bedroom Hamilton sharehouse, Kade Johns reckons he’s pretty content right about now. With his place of employment giving him the go ahead to work from home and a fridge full of panic bought food,...

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