The Nation

Man Reads Label On $4 Bottle Of Brain Varnish Like It’s Going To Influence Decision To Buy It

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Like the flash on Agent J's neuralyzer, a local man perused the selections at his local bottleshop this afternoon for a bottle of brain varnish to erase the memory of a Wednesday from hell. Speaking candidly to The Advocate in the white wine section of the Broheme Avenue Thirsty Camel, Dylan Greeve said that he...

Gold Coast Girl Posts Heartfelt Tribute To Man Who Inspired Her Fake Chanel Handbag From Bali

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Gold Coast retail employee Ash Moore (31) says the sky is feeling a bit heavier today. Ash says all the fashion choices she has ever made right up to this point in her life have been inspired by one man, who is no longer with us. This follows the news that German-born haute couture designer Karl Lagerfeld, artistic director...

Labor Folds And Announces Boomers Can Trade Franking Credits For Pieces Of Bleached Coral

INGRID DOULTON| Culture | Contact Federal Labor has proven once again that they're simply the diet version of the Coalition this morning by announcing that boomer fucks can trade their franking credits for bits of Great Barrier Reef coral their entitled generation has bleached beyond recognition. This is the second capitulation Bill Shorten, known locally in the Diamantina as the de-jesus-ed...

Office Millennial Takes A Break From The Suicide Jokes After Full Moon Recharges Her Crystals

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scout Kitchwell (20), a resident millennial at a local outdoor marketing company has today shocked her coworkers after managing to last the entire morning without saying she literally wants to die. The part-time-photographer-slash-food-blogger-slash-full-time-office-manager is bouncing between office cubicles with an extra spring in her step this morning. This comes after last night's full moon of February, which also appeared full the...

Lean Cuisines Attempt To Charm Local Bigfella Away From The Chicken Kievs And Party Pies

COLIN STEIN | Frozen Goods| Contact A Betoota Heights big chief has spoken of how a TV dinner tried to lure him away from his beloved chicken Kievs this evening down the supermarket, telling our reporters that the price and calorie count almost had him fooled. Ben Jenkinson, a project manager at Hutchinson Builders, said he always treats himself on Tuesdays...

“So Much For A Drought” Laughs Shorten While Inspecting Bore-Irrigated Nature Strip Out West

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While February has seen farmers in parts of western Queensland saw their stock drown and die from exposure in disastrous flood conditions which has claimed the lives of over half a million cows, farmers further south from the Tropic of Capricornia are still as dry as Keith Urban's backstage dressing room. The Northern floods come after an extended period...

Farmer Wants A Wife Producers ‘Struggling’ To Find Someone Prepared To Marry Cotton Grower

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The producers of Farmer Wants A Wife have admitted they've had a hard time trying to find someone prepared to marry a local cotton farmer on this year's season because of all the negative press the industry has received lately. Far-South Betoota dryland cotton grower, Rhett Murray, decided to apply for the show because...

Peter Dutton Hires Billy McFarland As Director Of Christmas Island Processing Centre

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being impressed by how many unwitting people he managed to trap on the Bahamian island of Great Exuma during his failed 2017 Fyre Festival, Peter Dutton has today announced that American entrepreneur Billy McFarland will be running all operations in the soon-to-be reopened Christmas Island Detention Centre. This comes after the Prime Minister suffered a historic defeat on...

Local Boomers Need TV Volume On 60 But Can Still Hear Wine Bar Two Blocks Over

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A pair of social, economic and political handbrakes on our progressive desert community have told The Advocate this morning that while they need their television volume to be nearly at the max, they can still hear a popular wine bar two blocks over at night time. New French Quarter empty nesters, Dale and Mango...

Putin Politely Declines The Nightwatchman’s Request To Interfere In Our Election

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Coalition Government have today announced that they are now ready to hand over to Labor, after even the Russians have deciding against electing them. This comes after a Prime Minister Morrison took an overnight flight to Moscow from Mt Isa on Sunday, to meet with President Putin. "Come on Vlad, mate" begged The Nightwatchman. "You can have free reign on...

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