The Nation

Local Private School To Build Second Airport With ScoMo’s Cash Incentive To Resume Classes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of Betoota's most exclusive private schools has revealed plans this morning to build a second airport after taking into account the extra income derived from restarting classes before June 1. The Whooton School for Boys in Betoota Grove, as well as many other private and Catholic schools around the country, will be handballed piles...

Math Teacher Says He’s Not Falling For That One Again As School Tries To Give Him Free iPad

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A 73-year-old mathematics teacher at Betoota Grove's exclusive Whooton School For Boys has rejected the school's offer of a free iPad, telling our reporters that he's not falling for that one again. A year ago, Donald Nurse, who's been teaching at our town's most expensive boys boarding school for close to three decades, said he...

Police Urge Men Taking Cartons Of Beer Over To Their Mate’s Place To Stop Taking The Piss

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local police have urged men to stop 'taking the piss' with social visits after a number of young men were caught in recent days flouting social distancing laws. "We're all for a good, safe time," said Sargeant Mark Roberston from Betoota Heights Police Station. "But taking vast quantities of alcohol and tobacco over to a friend's...

Woman Forced To Put Foot Down As Local Boyfriend Actively Considers Baking Croissants

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local woman has done what many women have done before her today and come home to find her live-in boyfriend planning to do something stupid. Wendy Mulligan said she had to put her foot down and tell her boyfriend, Martin, to wake up to himself and not make his own croissants. "Just go down to...

PM Urges Wives, Girlfriends, Mums To Stop Scaring Men Away From Testing With ‘Man Flu’ Taunts

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As COVID-19 continues to wreak havoc outside of the Northern Hemisphere, there is intense and growing demand for crucial medical supplies such as testing kits and medical masks. On Wednesday it was confirmed that 10 million COVID-19 test kits were en-route to Australia from China, which will soon be handed out to hospitals, clinics and labs around the country. However,...

Government Toys With The Idea Of Consulting Teachers On When Schools Should Go Back

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "I just feel like grabbing the back of their heads and bashing their foreheads against the blackboard," she said. "Of course, I wouldn't do that to any of my students. But I'd sure as shit do it to the policymakers who've put us all in this position." Orla O'Cairn teachers Year 4 at South Betoota Public...

Eels Staff Frantically Paint Try Lines Around Each Player To Ensure Correct Social Distancing

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Parramatta Eels NRL team are frantically working through the coronavirus as best they can this afternoon. In a sign of the times, the club is tackling the very modern problem with a very old fashioned solution. Desperate to ensure social distancing guidelines are followed in an effort to get the code up and running by May 28,...

Man Begins Epic Quest Into The Unknown To Find A Weekend Tee Time At A Course Near His Home

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A man has started his working week with a near-impossible task. Michael Beadie set off from his Betoota Heights home this morning on horseback, carrying on his laptop, mobile phone and a fistful of credit cards. He was last seen barrelling up Mount Remienko on his two-year-old quarterhorse, looking for a golf course near his...

Melbourne Man’s Eyes Roll Out Of His Skull Onto The Floor Listening To How Cold Sydney Is

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just when he thought his life couldn't get any worse, a Melbourne man's eyes have rolled out of his skull and onto the floor this afternoon after he was forced to endure a phone call from his brother about how cold it is in Sydney. If any of you care reading this, apparently it's seasonably...

Tasmanian Premier Explains Northwest Hospital Has Been Cleaned Deeper Than The Roosters Books

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Premier of Tasmania has broken protocol this morning and used a rugby league analogy to described just how deep the North West Regional Hospital has been cleaned. Premier Peter Gutwein explained to reporters today in Hobart that the hospital, which was the source of many coronavirus infections in the Island State has been cleaned...

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