The Nation

Kelly Slater Spotted Surfing At Every Single Beach In New South Wales Over Last 48 Hours

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Eleven-time world champion surfer Kelly Slater reportedly faced relentless surfing conditions at Avalon Beach on Friday, breaking two surfboards in the water, as he finally showed his face to his new neighbours. The American surfing great has based himself in Australia throughout the coronavirus outbreak, and was cheered by thousands of adoring fans as he took on Friday’s...

Local Teacher Has Some Very Hectic Opinions On The Government Right Now

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local high school teacher has shocked absolutely nobody today after sharing some extremely hectic opinions on the Federal and State Governments with her friends over dinner. Denise Coleman teaches English at South Betoota Comprehensive and if you know her, she's been extremely vocal these past few weeks about how the government has bungled their...

Intergenerational Renters Wonder How This Impending Housing Crash Could Be A Bad Thing

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A socially-popular local roadworker brought the tent down at smoko this morning with his impression of an overweight property investor complaining about losing money on a Betoota Heights display home. Pulling the skin down under his chin and blowing his gut out, Damien Haynes crab-walked around the area in front of the smoko tent on...

A Current Affair And 60 Minutes To Merge As They’re Pretty Much The Same These Days

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One programme was once considered the highwater mark of broadcast journalism and the other has always been considered the low one. But as of this morning, the tides have met in the middle. The Bismark of broadcast journalism has finally succumbed to the torpedos of progress. "If only Kerry was alive to see this," they laughed. "He'd...

Inner City Leftie Declares Love For Public Transport During His Biannual Off-Peak Train Trip

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Now that the southeast corner of our fine state has reopened for business, a local advertising executive decided it might be nice to take the train to the airport for his trip to Brisbane this time instead of calling a taxi. Mark Dalpooley likes to support the taxi industry, something he likes to tell his...

Nation Struggling To Figure Out Which Politician Is So Obsessed With Boot Camps

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As COVID-19 social distancing measures continue to be rolled back in order to tickle the economy before it turns over and dies, Australians have been left to ponder which politician is so obsessed with boot camps. During multiple press conferences, Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing has called out the safety of boot camps specifically in almost every instance, meaning...

Dog Fears Owner Is Getting Bored Enough To Wash Him Again

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In a Betoota Grove home an older dog maned Toby has had to hide under his family’s cubby house this afternoon after his K9 senses began tingling, alerting him that something very bad was about to happen. Speaking with The Advocate’s Pet Clairvoyant, a visibly shaking Toby explained how scared he was at the prospect of having yet another...

Special Report: How Long Until We Can Start Licking These Again?

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After month’s of research the World Health Organisation (WHO) has released a highly anticipated report outlining exactly when we can expect life to return to normal and be able to lick traffic signal buttons again. In order to minimise the spread of COVID-19, responsible citizens have taken up new public practices such as social distancing and not using the...

Butcher About To Offer Some Strong Opinions On Who To Blame For Coronavirus

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With the majority of the world’s developed nations backing a probe into the spread of COVID-19, local butcher George Loukakis (52) is throwing his two cents at the wall. Known for controversial stances such as putting corn kernels in a sausage, Loukakis has been treating any customer foolish enough to make small talk with opinions on who is to...

Scott Morrison Offers To Cup Xi Jinping’s Balls After China’s Threat To Boycott Coal

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In an incredible turn of events, our Prime Minister has made a sensational offer to get back in China's good books. Speaking this afternoon, Scott Morrison formally apologised to the Chinese government for winding them up, in a backflip of Mike Baird proportions, before extending a very personal and olive branch. His offer to Chinese President Xi Jinping...

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