The Nation

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Normal Australians have today urged our Southern cultural elite to please stop fucking around and just behave like grown ups. This comes as the southern enclave has recorded 17 further cases of coronavirus as two primary schools close in Melbourne's COVID-19 hotspots. Premier Daniel Andrews has rolled back the previously loosened restrictions, asking his constituents to please stop having such...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Some young bloke from Brisbane says he's 'red hot keen' to move to Betoota next year but his boss won't let him. Oscar Cardigan, of the Bay Area down in our capital, explained to The Advocate today that while his boss his happy with him sitting at home in Capalaba tapping away on his laptop,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Speaking to The Advocate this morning, the nation's young female legal industry employees have moved to confirm that it is indeed, completely fucked. This follows damning allegations printed last night, that former High Court Judge Dyson Heydon is responsible for numerous cases of sexual harassment and appaling behaviour. Heydon denies the allegations. While the individual stories involving sexual harassment...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The rest of the nation remains uneasy as Melbourne experiences a spike in coronavirus cases, leading many who aren't from Victoria feeling like the nation's most European city is taking that self-description to a whole other level. Locals here in the Diamantina are calling on the Queensland Government to scrap the plan to re-open the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Nationals have slammed their opposition today after they joined forces to put the wellbeing of the bush and the land before mining profits and environmental vandalism. A controversial coal seam gas project near Narrabri, a small to medium-sized town on the New South Wales north-western slopes, has entered its final stages of planning and...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Local News | Contact When local woman Tegan Ellis had come home one Saturday afternoon in a shit mood, she’d been looking for a sympathetic ear concerning the latest drama in her friendship circle. Relaying the day's events to her rather mild-mannered husband, Nick, Tegan had hoped he’d nod along and throw in a couple ‘you’re rights’...

TRACEY BENDGINER | Local News | Contact Much to the dismay of the average Australians sitting around them, a group of private school alumni are this evening performing what’s known as a ‘verbal circle jerk’ at Betoota East pub, The Gum. A verbal circle jerk happens when a group of men, typically from posh private school backgrounds, arouse...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Local News | Contact Former wild man Alan Watts has deeply leaned into his new life as a respectable member of society. The 34-year-old accountant, known at the office for being the one who organises potluck lunches and spontaneously bursting into Disney melodies, reckons his days doing Edward Beer hands are firmly behind him. Alan says...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Local News | Contact Local dad Daniel Simpson has been left feeling quite confused after he was presented a meat-free meal for the first time in his life. After poking around in the spaghetti looking for a hidden piece of flesh, Daniel felt the need to enquire whether there’d been a mistake. “Where’s the rest of it,''...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Local News | Contact Local man, Jared Smith, has finally mustered up the courage to reach out to his crush on Instagram. After stalking her profile daily for a few months and laugh reacting to every story, Jared has decided it’s time to step up and make a move. He found the perfect opportunity to message when...