The Nation

Rugby Australia Demands Answers From Marketing Pigeon As Bledisloe Tickets Remains Unsold

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Rugby Australia has summoned the king marketing pigeon to the CEO's office this morning after learning there are still thousands of tickets left on sale for Saturday night's do-or-die Bledisloe Match in Sydney. Though he's been handed a basket case that's devoid of any real money or direction, interim RA CEO Rob Clarke has demanded...

MCG Just Feeling Grateful They Have The Chance To Fuck The Pitch Up Again This Boxing Day

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite being locked down for six months, Cricket Australia has given the Melbourne Cricket Ground and their staff the chance to drop in another unspectacular pitch in the ground for the Boxing Day Test. But if you ask Melbourne, they're just grateful they have the chance to fuck the Boxing Day Test up for the...

Dan Andrews Has First Day Out Of Lockdown Ruined By All The Hipsters Trying To Stand With Him

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT About 16,200 retail stores, 5800 hospitality and 1000 beauty salons and 800 pubs have today re-opened their doors as Melbourne lifts it's brutal 115-day lockdown. Restaurants have filled four weeks worth of bookings in a day, and parks are full of socially distanced revellers as excited residents rush to embrace an easing of restrictions, which now allows them to leave...

Scotty Checks Address Book To See If Any Mates Want The Job Before It Goes To Tender

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The only way this country is going to shake this economic funk off is by building big things. That's the message today from the Prime Minister, who said over the next generation or two, the nation will be undergoing "renovations and extentions" - something that should inject hundreds of billions back into the economy. "We will...

Victorian Police Told To Hang Up On Melbourne Boomers Already Dialling In Noise Complaints

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Melbourne’s brutal 16th lockdown has come to an end, with retail and hospitality businesses now able to reopen and families reuniting after months of curfews and bans on travelling more than 5km away from home. Restaurants, cafes, pubs and retail stores were allowed to return to normal trading hours from 11.59 pm on last night, with some taking bookings...

Visiting IKEA Still Not Worth The Risk, Confirms Suddenly CovidSafe Boyfriend

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "That places would be swimming with the Pangolin's Revenge," he said. "If you want in there, you'd be coughing before you even got to park your arse in a poang." For weeks now, Jennifer Porilley was wanted a Poang - which is one of those recliners from IKEA that looks like it should break when you...

Channel 9 Introduce Integrated Gambling Segment For Nightly News Program

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a real sign of the times, Channel 9 has taken its programmatic gambling integration to a new level. With a quite off-season ahead for the home of Rugby League, Channel 9 has decided to introduce a couple of gambling segments into its nightly news bulletin. "Every night, every week, it's a great way for us to continue...

PM Criticises Dan Andrews For Not Mixing His Whiskey With Pepsi Max Like A Real Fucken Bloke

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Scott Morrison, our Prime Minister and Bloke-in-Chief, has rolled his eyes and laughed at Dan Andrews overnight as the Victorian Premier posted a few pics of him enjoying a whisky on the rocks. Speaking to Desert Rock FM's flagship talk-back programme, The Brick Hour with Graham Brick, Scott Morrison said he doens't know about these...

Melbourne Man Can’t Decide Which North Face To Wear Out For Beers On Wednesday Night

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Prahrhan man has spoken of a new issue he's facing this afternoon as the Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews decided to reopen the state's economy. Choosing the black jeans and the lace-up chukkas was the easy part, says Kevin Pooley. The hard part is choosing the North Face. "We're going for beers on Wednesday night," said...

Melbourne Man Books Table At Pub For 12AM On A Tuesday For First Time Since 2006 World Cup

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Melbourne man has today thought on his feet and wasted no time since the big news. Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has announced measures to lift Melbourne's lockdown after the state went a day without any new coronavirus cases for the first time since June. Retail outlets, cafes, restaurants and bars will be able to reopen, subject to patron...

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