Sports

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local Aussie cricket fan Warren King (44) thinks he has it hard sharing a workplace with British cricket supporter Hamilton Butterscone (33). That was until King was forced to hear the opinions of cricket casual Jim Shrug (29) who insists he didn’t even know there was cricket on. “Oh is that the Ashes?” asked Shrug. “Who are we playing this year?” As...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some exciting news out of Apple HQ today, the new iPhone model has been released. Set to coincide with the beginning of the NRL Offseason, the iPhone BenderX has a raft of new exciting features, many of which haven't been seen before. Speaking from San Francisco earlier today, some faceless Apple creative in a skivvy spoke to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Employees at the frequently frantic NRL Integrity Unit are this afternoon pacing the halls of their offices nervously. The anxious mood down at the unit has been caused by complete radio silence this month, on what should be another month of NRL scandals. "Everyone's on knife-edge down here," explained one member of the unit named Simon Tuff. "Something...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For the first time since James Hardie was the lead sponsor for the Parramatta Eels, the NRL has today brought back supporter hazmat suits. This comes as Manly's home final at Brookvale Oval is scoured by local contractors to locate the traces of asbestos that were found at the suburban ground. The NRL has confirmed small traces of asbestos were...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A young man without the world at his feet has today announced a sporting career change. Jason Winston (17) has confirmed to friends and family that he's not going to give Under 18s footy a crack next year, and instead make the leap across to field hockey. The Year 12 student from Betoota Heights High said he has...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent rugby league ambulance chaser is the latest to experience the unbridled wrath of a hardly amused Wayne Bennett, during a press conference at the South Sydney home ground earlier today. Stew Pitt-Kent, an outspoken NRL journalist and analyst who experiences sexual gratification by reporting on the personal woes of troubled young footballers, has today been left out...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NRL is already experiencing a big jump in potential brain-injury-causing tackles this week, as the players warm up the shoulders for the first ever 'Who Can Get On House Of Highlights Round'. Starting with the Rabbitohs V Roosters showdown at ANZ stadium last night, where Roosters enforcer Jared Waerea-Hargreaves got himself ruled out of the finals after being...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The coach of a lower mid-tier rugby league team has today told reporters that 2022 should be a good year. Anthony Brennen, the coach of the NRL team that's finished outside the final 8 for the 4th year in a row told media at what will hopefully be his second-last conference for the year, that he's really looking...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Sydney Roosters have shocked the greater NRL community today by announcing that they've signed a new footballer who hasn't even won a premiership at another club, or even a Dally M. The player, 31-year-old Levi Parsonson, has been a mainstay of mid-season NRL for the last decade - playing for both Wests Tigers, Penrith Panthers, pre-Wayne Bennett Newcastle...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In the newest win for middle-class white feminism, promoters of Saturday night’s Battle of Bendigo boxing match between Jeff Horn and Michael Zerafa decided at the last minute to sack their ring girls, after coming under fire from activists groups. The newest example of the prudish stigmatisation of sex workers and models disguised as eighteenth-wave advocacy has seen three...