Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT PULLIN AN ALFIE: Rugby league legend Cameron Smith has today announced his retirement the only job he has ever had, playing football in the NRL, killing all the speculation about his future. Smith has been honoured today alongside fellow Storm icon Billy Slater with a bronze statue outside of AAMI Park, This comes as a suspiciously quick and sudden announcement,...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With footy season just one lousy, enormous week away, the NRL has decided to draw a line in the sand when it comes to respect for women and distance themselves from the toxic misogynistic culture of the Australian Federal Government. This announcement follows the growing revelations that the federal government was aware of at least two allegations of sexual...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from the French Quarter, it can be revealed that a local father consumed a few alcoholic beverages the other night. The confirmation comes in the form of some squiggly little athletic track lines, that look a little bit like the skid marks you see on the back road leading out of a regional town....

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the NRL season rolls ever closer, the Wests Tigers have once again thrown a big-money contract offer down on the table. The club that has a mortgage on the 9th spot on the ladder, has reportedly reached out to the bloke who beat Tommy Turbo in a footrace, to dangle a huge carrot. "Sources are telling me...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorians have once again proven to the world that they are the most culturally frustrated population in our country - after an embarrassing incident of crowd behaviour was broadcasted right around the world last nights. The tennis crowds were even more feral than usual following last night's Australian Open final between Medvedev and Djokovic. Tennis Australia chair Jayne Hrdlicka was...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Fans of the game they purportedly play in heaven are currently in a state of disbelief, after weeks of seeing Rugby Union being promoted. It's been confirmed that for the first time in probably a decade, people other than full-blown die-heard rugby fans are aware of when the Super Rugby season kicks off. Which is tonight, as promoters...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The opening of the new Betoota Heights Bunnings was met with great fanfare today, as former Queensland Maroon Mick Mockle did the honours of cutting the ribbon. The hardware mega-centre is a welcome addition to the hideous urban sprawl in Betoota's outskirt mortgage belt - where it joins an IKEA, Dan Murphy's, CostCo and an enormous temple for one...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The NRL All-Stars round is set to dazzle audiences with First Nations flair before the whistle even blows this weekend! That's according to the Māori All-Stars, who are reportedly going to kick the game off with a stunning rendition of the early ‘80s classic Slice of Heaven. The cult Pasifika banger that accompanied the Footrot Flats film has since...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out! Rugby League's favourite 20/21 off-season rumour could have some serious legs, it has been confirmed this afternoon. That's right, it looks like Cameron Smith could be Tom Bradying his way up to the Gold Coast. This comes after the Melbourne Storm star and future immortal was spotted at a popular Gold Coast marina this afternoon, potentially...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some more good news for Australian tennis, local hope Ash Barty will go into our home grand slam with the Yarra Valley Classic under her belt. The world Number One and Australian Open favourite took out the title against Spaniard Garbiñe Muguruza in straight sets. Taking great confidence into the tournament starting today, Barty was also given the...