Sports

3rd Grade Veteran Basically Just Asking Physio To Mummify Him Now

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The leading economic drain on the Betoota Mutts has confirmed this week that he is now pretty much just asking the club physiotherapist to turn him into a mummy. The club veteran who always has a bit to say about the latest batch of colts, made the admission after clicking the clubs strapping tape bill over $500 before...

AFL Offices In Melbourne Breaks The Official World Record For Largest Ever Rug

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Several officials from the Guinness World Records have arrived in Melbourne today to inspect what many believe to be the world's largest rug. Following several hours of close examination, it was confirmed that the Australian Football League is the official world record holder in this niche but extremely notably category. Once initially thought to be just a wholesome game enjoyed...

Penrith Panthers Release Official Statement Regarding Tyrone May: “For Fuck’s Sake”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Walkley-award-winning rugby league oracle Danny Weidler has today announced he's actually starting to feel bad for the fans, after the NRL manages to sneak in one more colossal off-field incident before the round one. As Wiedler reported moments ago, Tyrone May has been arrested by NSW police in connection to the release of two sex tapes, just under an...

“Fuck It, Everyone Put On Your Boots. Round One Starts This Weekend.”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the NRL continues to descended into pure and utter chaos, CEO Todd Greenberg has made the executive decision to push forward the official launch of the rugby league season by a week. This comes after the countless sex tape leaks and off-field punch-ons that have dominating headlines in what many describe as 'the off-season from hell'. "I don't care...

Gus Asks Todd Greenberg To Show Him How To Delete These Videos From The Internet

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Phil 'Gus' Gould has asked the CEO of the NRL for a bit of a hand this afternoon. The General Manager of the Penrith Panthers did so when he asked Todd Greenberg to show him 'how to delete these videos from the internet.' Waiting for a press conference to start regarding the leaking of sex tapes involving Panthers...

Turnbull Sends Thank You Card To The Roosters For Helping Him Refine His Hospital Pass Skills

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After successfully evading the wrath of two Royal Commissions, the mass resignations of female Liberal MPs and record-breaking dip in approval ratings, former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today sent a special thank you to his mates at the Eastern Suburbs District Rugby League Football Club. According to sources in the front office of the Roosters Leagues, an undisclosed...

AFLX To Introduce Tables, Ladders, Chairs

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The constantly roasted AFLX competition, which takes place tonight in the Victorian capital, has today announced the introduction of tables, ladders and chairs - in an effort to spice up the already weird as fuck code of football. The latest innovation is an attempt at maintaining the focus on entertainment at the pre-season event by encouraging pure human rubble...

Parramatta Fans Relishing Team’s Recent Mid Table Form

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact As another weekend ticks over, long-suffering Parramatta Eels fans have something to celebrate this Monday. After another lossless week, fans of the once mighty Blue and Gold are revelling in their team's recent resurgence of form. Following a weekend without failure, something Eels fans have become particularly unaccustomed to of late, many of the clubs supporters are beginning...

Addidas Develop New NRL Style Footy Boot Featuring Ankle Bracelet Compatibility

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Moving with the times, popular sports brand Adidas have today announced the release of a new range of football boots. The second largest sportswear company in the world made the announcement this morning, unveiling their new styles ahead of the 2019 winter codes season. Notably, the new range will feature a new cutting-edge 'NRL Boot,' that will combine the...

News Corp Editor Sacked After Soccer Somehow Finds It’s Way Onto Back Page

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A Sports Editor at one of Murdoch's esteemed Australian publication's has been told to find work elsewhere today. The man in charge of the back page was hauled over the coals by the paper's Editor this morning after a story on the round ball game somehow managed to slip through the cracks. After the huge breach of a protocol...

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