Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Betoota man has been spotted attempting to hide his identity while leaving the premises of a well known oriental-themed massage parlour this afternoon. The recently-single carpenter, by the name of Jacko, appeared distressed and standoffish while attempting to weave through the foot traffic outside DREAM MASSAGE & SPA in South Betoota this afternoon. Witnesses say they have...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A groundbreaking new study into the cult of veganism has uncovered a disturbing new trend in which the easiest way to learn that somebody is a vegan is to simply wait until they tell you. Australia's peak scientific body, the CSIRO, released the paper earlier this morning at a Canberra press conference where the organisation's...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Popular Middle Eastern terror organisation ISIS has taken to social media this morning to put their hand up and claim responsibility for a local derailment at a South Betoota sushi train. The duty manager of Clancy-son Japanese Canteen and Sushi phoned police just after 10 pm last night to inform them that a tragic derailment...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Leah Cummins is just another mid-twenties Australian with a close group of girlfriends that still catch up twice a week, eight years after school. Like many other millennials, Leah learnt early in life that she was never going to own a home in the same place she grew up, and has since prioritised material goods over any form of long-term...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The father of a local teenager has made the heartbreaking decision to ground his eldest child this afternoon after making a shocking discovery that he smokes menthol cigarettes. In a statement read by a family spokesman, Walter Cleary said that he didn't make the decision lightly and that he hopes he can move past the...

WENDY FROGSTOMP | Local News | Contact Like most well-adjusted regional high school graduates, Emma Caldwell left Betoota for the coast just weeks after receiving her high school results - which were sufficient enough for the now 27-year-old to enrol in a sandstone university. Fast-forward ten tumultuous years and the junior architect was back in town for the much-anticipated St Glenda's High School ten year...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A backpacking Roman spoke to The Advocate a short time ago out the back of a popular South Betoota Italian restaurant and told our reporters that each time the locals mangle the pronunciation of a menu item, he dies a little bit inside. In particular, the way in which the Betootanese middle-class say, 'Spaghetti Marinara.' "It...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A polite local kid by the name of Chris has played it perfectly this morning, after finding himself caught up in a display of stern parenting. After a sleepover down the street, Chris was quick to avoid all forms of conflict after his mate Willie used a swear word in front of his parents. At the breakfast table of his...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though nobody else is allowed to bring their kids into the office out of convenience, all of the suck ups at a local Betoota business is pretending that having their boss's child at work is a highlight of their day. With a snot-nosed little fuck marching through the workplace corridors, an entire salesroom at the local skip bin...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota radio announcer Robert 'Flash' Flaczynski has today apologised to listeners for an unprecedented twenty minute gap between P!NK songs. Flash, who came to fame as part of the wildly popular radio show 'Flash and Fatso' in the late 1990s says he hopes he doesn't get the sack for this - and says that while the ratings don't...