Local News

BARTHOLOMEW McCUMBLERAND | Investigative | CONTACT A local Betootan has been spotted applying copious amounts of Aeroguard spray to his already heavily bitten arm, despite being warned by nan 30 minutes earlier that the “mozzies are here.” Dave Saunders, 43, had been enjoying his Sunday Barbecue at his in-laws place without even thinking of the consequences of the location. “They live behind a swamp,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Wanting to save the planet but refusing to release themselves to the rough sea of the local public transport system, a popular educated couple has curled up on their Matt Blatt sofa tonight - ready to tap into the zeitgeist. As half a bottle of Côtes du Rhône sloshes around in their tum-tums, Jack and Francine Williams, of Betoota...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Saturday night, Betoota Heights. Two ageing and respected members of the middle-class enclave atop the hill on the north side of town have taken offence to a gathering of young people down the road. As the sun began to set, the first call was placed to Probationary Constable Blake Washbrook at the Wilcox Avenue Police Station. "I thought it was weird,"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Aside from being permanently locked out of the housing market, persecuted for enjoying a popular stonefruit smooshed onto bread for breakfast and being forced to take out huge loans for his tertiary education, a local 25-year-old is remaining mildly positive. Matt Dylan, of Betoota Grove, says he first hung a dream catcher above his bed...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact An ordinary Thursday night shift has become anything but as North Betoota RSL club front-desker Stuart Atkins (65) asked a group of non-English speaking backpackers if they are already club members. “Good evening guys. Member?” The startled group of Melbourne-bound French backpackers stated they know enough English to get by, but were unable to recognise the...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Foodie | Contact The healthy eating trend that has taken the world by storm has today trickled down into the community of Australia’s backbone, the tradie. Tradies across Australia have realised that their health is the one commodity that they have complete control over, so they’ve begun switching their meat pies and leftovers for the healthier option...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Managing to squeeze her way into the property market through a combination of hard work and wealthy parents, Janice Baillieu (28) insists you must have the tour of her 800 square foot Sydney apartment, despite the fact you saw most of it when you stepped inside. “Come on in guys, you MUST have the tour. Shoes off first haha!” A comprehensive tour...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Deputy Prime Minister walked into George Christensen's parliamentary office this morning with one thing on his mind. It wasn't anything to do with Malcolm Turnbull, it wasn't anything to do with his ongoing personal issues. Barnaby Joyce spoke candidly to the Member For Dawson about giving love another chance. As they exchanged pleasantries, Joyce took a boot and sock off to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "No, really," she said. "I'm listening this time. Explain the blockchain to me one more time." James Cartwright smiled and slide back in the booth and began to explain one more time, in layman's terms, just how incredible the concept of blockchain really is. The casual, nonchalant manner in which the 25-year-old commercial leasing agent would refresh his bloated cryptocurrency wallet...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Innocent bystanders were left in a state of shock today after witnessing a goofy migaloo mangling a pretty standard handshake with a black mate. It is believed that Gareth Evans (27) was out treating himself to an early lunch of some super spicy chicken pad thai when he run into an acquaintance of a darker complexion. What happened next...