Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactUploading a photo to their joint Instagram account, Betoota Heights couple Benji and Sarah have officially made it to the fourth rung of the relationship ladder - adopting a stupidly expensive goldendoodle. Trumped only by an engagement, marriage or purchasing a home together, adopting an oodle variant is one of the biggest indications that a couple is serious about...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAn independent report by the Australian Independent Sandwiches Commission (AISC) has been confirmed that if it goes in a tin, it goes in a jaffle. A toasted cheese sandwich, or jaffle when made in a custom built jaffle press, is a much-loved after school snack and a clear sign that your co-worker is really not in the mood to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A report by the CSIRO confirmed that there are few things more bloody lovely than getting a nice serving of hot chippies after a swim.But for visitors to Betoota’s favourite coastal getaway, Glumbucket Heads SA, this bloody lovely tradition is unattainable as the only cafe with a perfect spot by Snook Beach is not even trying to be...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact After being told his banter is ‘shit’, his party are ‘nutjobs’, and his wife is ‘leaving him’, United Australia Party Supporter Reiley Bridgeford (39) is ready to show these elites who is really stupid this weekend at the ballot box. Known for annoying the fuck out of everyone, the United Australia Party is the child of billionaire mining magnate...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAfter nine years of being blamed for the subpar wealth and asset management of upper class men several generations their elder, local Millennial Issy Brennan (30) popped down to their local cafe today to toast to Albo with a toast and avo. Brennan is one of a generation of young people who are unable to purchase a home of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out TV fans, there could be an exciting new superhero on your screens this month!  Not one with a special power to shoot spiderweb everywhere, or a man holding a hammer that’s outrageously powerful for some reason; but a man with an incredible ability to always have a clean keep cup on him.  Known as the ‘Moral Crusader’, the...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTOne of Betoota’s most spiritually centred individuals has offered some helpful advice this morning, telling her yoga class to ‘practice without judgement’. Gliding gracefully between rows of panting students, who are far less flexible than she is, 29-year-old yogi Willow Moon-Blossom is believed to have carried herself with the superiority of an instructor that hasn’t eaten a...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLying awake at exactly 12:36 am, Amber Kennedy finds herself with the overwhelming urge to stalk her former classmates. An urge that, if she’s being honest, does not come from a nice place. No, she wants the dirt - who married a wanker, who never left their hometown, and which dux kid failed to live up to their potential. God, she...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA sadistic woman has this week taken delight in torturing her husband, using her feet as the weapon of choice. It’s alleged Clara Driver was having a hard time with the cold weather, which she made sure to let everyone know about by shrieking “IT’S FUCKING COLD”, at any given opportunity. Residing in a terrace house with her husband...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIf local couple James and Harper weren’t so goddamn lovely, you’d probably resent them a little bit. A rare breed, the pair met when they were just eighteen years old, and have managed to keep the love strong ten years later - often still seen gazing at each other with the adoration usually reserved for that honeymoon glow. Of course,...