Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A well manicured lawn in Betoota's Flight Path District is reported to have hosted a catastrophic gaffe over the weekend, as a local man received unwarranted advice on one of the few domestic tasks he takes pride in. Local mechanic Charlie Ledwidge (33) has had to endure the great displeasure of being instructed, from behind, while operating his own...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Thousands of international dignitaries have today descended upon Britain to honour the life of Queen Elizabeth II. In case you somehow didn't already know, the late 96-year-old monarch died at her Balmoral residence in Scotland two weeks ago, triggering a heavily televised mourning period that almost feels longer than the 70 years she spent on the throne. For some weird...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The word is out amongst millenials and having kids is officially cool, provided you give them a kind of daggy, old world name. New mum Bernadette Silk (29) states that pregnancy was just as challenging as she'd been told. After the incredibly long and tough process, it perhaps makes sense that Silk would want to slap a grotesque label on...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local bloke is looking to mend a broken heart this week as he attempts to band-aid his feelings by becoming an American sports fan. Unlucky in love and unlucky in appearance, local Betoota man Dylan Davis (31) has reportedly been on the offensive as he attempts to rebrand himself as the type of guy who understands...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAs physics has long dictated, what goes up must come down. Last night, previously reformed party animal Michaela Dale (32) partook in the recreational use of MDMA which afforded her a few hours of increased enjoyment of everything including music, dancing, and her own voice.After waking up late, Dale found that her vocal cords were shot, her living room...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As a black veil continues to hang heavy over the head of monarchists, others are dealing with loss for a whole other reason. Insurance company IT worker Blake Franken (42) has not been his usual self and seems to be operating within a state of sombre disconnection instead of his usual socially awkward disconnection. However, it is not the loss...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA group of very silly sausages have last weekend flown too close to the sun, which has resulted in a domino effect of waterworks. Woo girls Allie, Cherise and Steph (all 24) are currently in the ‘heavy parting phase’ on their journey into being adults, enjoying a life of no responsibilities, disposable incomes and the ability to still feel...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Australian farmers offering to pay workers in accommodation and produce, one farm seems to have gotten the balance right.  Farm worker Allison White (25) did one for the country by taking up the offer of being paid in produce after she landed a picking job at a cash farm. Hailing from the UK, White has had to put in...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | ContactA student at the South Betoota Polytechic has given her jaw a workout for the ages today, it can be confirmed. With her final exam for Business Innovation and Financial Management just hours away, Sophie Simpson has been doing a fair bit of vigorous chewing and foot tapping this morning. “Yeah, I’ve gone through a bit of chewy,” she laughed. The...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA household got a new member today at the exact same time planet Earth got a new pollutant.Returning home with a goldfish he confusingly named Puppy, six-year-old James Forward introduced Puppy to his home for the next year or so.Somehow, Forward forgot to introduce the plastic bag to the environment where the plastic bag would reside for the...