Report: Contrary To What Your Hilarious Housemate Reckons, The Missing TV Remote Actually Isn’t Up Your Arse
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLetting out a frustrated sigh, local bloke Mitch Fields curses whatever cunt decided to make the Apple TV remote so fucking small.
Not only can he not find it, but he estimates this is probably the third time this week that he’s lost the bloody thing, and it doesn’t appear to be in its usual hiding place either (wedged...
Nan Reveals She’s Totally Prepared For Cost Of Living Crisis After Decades Of Black And Gold
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In an era where inflation has somehow become a competitive sport, some Australians are well prepared for the Cost of Living Crisis aka The New Normal.
One prepared Australian is local nana Miriam Murphy (84) who has saved up a literal fortune after decades of only buying Black and Gold supermarket items.
With the exception of Imperial Leather soap, Murphy...
Local Woman Cuts To The Chase And Dunks Dressing Gown Ties Straight Into The Toilet
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has this week decided she’s fucking sick of being surprised by her wandering dressing gown ties, and has instead beaten them to the punch by dunking them directly into the toilet.
Laurie Seymour says she’d fallen into a disgusting routine of forgetting about the ties when she visited the loo, only to realise the ends of...
Local Bloke Spends Day Of Mourning With Dogs And Horses Like The Queen Would Have Wanted
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal bloke Jason Croydon is a man of good morals.
Not only has he been drowning his sorrows all week after hearing of the Queen’s passing, but he also thought he’d commemorate her spirit by surrounding himself with some of things she loves the most - horses and dogs.
Which is why, on this fine day, Jason has made his...
Office Staff Scrounge Around To Find Excited Graduate Employee Her First Ever Chair In The Workforce
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactEmployees at One Pump Digital have this week been forced to scrounge around for a spare office chair and keyboard, after ‘forgetting’ to buy some equipment for their new employee, who is alleged to be starting her first ever adult job since graduating from university.
Despite knowing for a solid three weeks that Sophie Gilman would be starting,...
Local Stoner Hammers An Up & Go Despite Having Nothing To Get Up And Go For
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTContinuing his trend of behaviour that can only be explained by drugs, local stoner Oscar Knott (32) hammered an Up & Go at midday yesterday, despite the fact that he did not get up and had nowhere to go.
Devised in the ‘90s by Sydney coke addicts who had found work at an ad agency, Up & Go’s are...
Weirdly Honest Politician Admits ‘Labour Shortage’ Is Just Slang For ‘Cheaper Migrant Labour Shortage’
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
There is a dire shortage of labour and skills in Australia, the government and big business can confirm.
More strikingly, there is now an overwhelming consensus emerging within the echo chamber of government and big business that reconfirms this true fact.
To address the problem of their own design, the government will not upskill Australia’s existing workforce or...
Nephew Now Old Enough To Witness Fun Uncle Transform Into Extremely Antisocial Drunk Uncle
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAdolescence is a magical time of change known for traumatising absolutely everyone who goes through it.One eventual adult is William Burton (12) of Betoota Heights who is now old enough to see his fun uncle Brian as extremely antisocial drunk uncle Brian.Known for his piggy back rides and jokes at the expense of other adults, fun uncle Brian...
Quaint Local Woman Knows Nobody At Work Will Question Her Pulling A Sickie For Violent Spitty Bum
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she delays her alarm by another fifteen minutes, Michelle Park tries to muster the courage to get ready for work.
She’s really not feeling it today and ordinarily she’d pull a sickie no problem, but her last one was only a few weeks ago and she can only really average one every couple of months before erring on...
Local Craft Beer Festival Nowhere Near As Fun As When You Used To Pump 14 Cruisers In This Park As A Teenager
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactFuck me.
Freya Halliday has stupidly agreed to go to a beer festival.
Not just any kind of beer festival, but a craft beer festival.
Which as you can imagine, is just as boring as it sounds.
After paying $30 entry each to get into the damn thing, Freya and her friends have so far spent twenty minutes trying to scope out...
